Random Thoughts

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
2. I live in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said,
4. "Thyroid problem?"
5. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea"
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
9. Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
10. I see your IQ test results were negative.
11. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
12. When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
13. If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
14. I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected.
15. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
16. I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.
17. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
18. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
19. I have learned there is little difference in wives, you might as well keep the first.
20. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
21. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in 7 different languages.
22. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
23. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
24. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.50 at bowling alleys.
25. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
26. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
27. I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
28. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
29. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
30. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
31. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "Checkout Time is 18."
32. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
33. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
34. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
35. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
36. Isn't having a smoking section in restaurant like having a peeing section
37. in swimming pool?
38. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
39. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra, now I've got hair like Don King.
40. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
41. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
42. I just got back from a pleasure trip, I drove my wife to the airport.
43. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
44. My wife and I were happy for twenty years, then we met.