Letters To Santa

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas you left me a sled. This Christmas please leave some snow.

Your pal,

Jed

Dear Santa,

I don't need any new toys this Christmas. All I want is my own credit card.

Your fan,

Frank

Dear Santa,

This Christmas I would like a toy that doesn't break when my father plays with it.

Love,

Michael

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas I asked you for a baby brother. This Christmas I want you to take him back.

Love,

Susan

Dear Santa,

Can you get me a trip to the moon on the next space shuttle? I've never been anywhere except Salt Lake City.

Your fan,

Howard

Dear Santa,

Why do you only leave presents for good boys and girls? It isn't fair to the real kids.

A real kid,

Jessie

Dear Santa,

I think you should leave a big present for my grandma. She knew you when you were a kid.

Love,

Jordan

Dear Santa,

How many days do you have to be good? I have been good for two days and I will try again on Monday.

I love you,

Christina

Dear Santa,

I want a bat that can hit home runs. The bat I got last year strikes out too much.

Your friend,

Willy

Dear Santa,

I am writing this letter to you for my cat Barney. Barney has been a good cat all year and I hope you will bring Barney some nice toys.

Love,

Paula

P.S. Barney would like a rubber mouse.

The Twelve Days Of A Computerized Christmas

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Windows Vista for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 sound cards silent

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs and

Windows Vista for my PC

Alternate Version:

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A Macintosh instead of a PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to

...hey, wait a minute, this thing works!

Holiday Guidelines

Subject: Holiday Guidelines

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (it runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25.
6. Eggnog will not be dispensed in vending machines.
7. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Twenty Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Red Wagon For Christmas

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures of the nativity set. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

He walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

The Four States Of Life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.

Christmas Tree Controversy

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?

YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use

MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use

FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits

REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?

YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm

MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team

FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles

REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?

YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype

MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt

FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas

REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?

YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills

MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree

FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti

REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning

YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules

MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football

FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present

REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway

Santa Is Not A Woman

Santa can't be a woman because:

• No woman would be caught dead in the same outfit two years in row!
• Women cannot drive cars let alone a sleigh powered by reindeer.
• Santa carries a bag full of toys, not a purse full of toiletries!
• Santa Claus wears no jewelry when he goes out. All women wear jewelry when the go out for the holidays.
• Another reason why Santa Claus is a man is because only a Real Man could leave his family on Christmas Eve, stay out all night, and come back in, the next morning claiming to be out working all night.
• Santa delivers toys at night. Women usually develop a headache at night that prohibits them from doing anything.

Santa Is A Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe Santa's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:

• Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
• Cupid flies around exposing himself and carrying weapons.
• Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nicolas. Not a chance.

Professional Painter

A church congregation sent out requests to all the professional painters listed in their local Yellow Pages, requesting a bid on a price to repaint their church building. Almost all of the painters were within a few dollars of their competition, as expected, with the exception of one well-known, well-established, local company, which had been in business for years and had an excellent reputation in the community. This particular painter's bid was about half of what his competitions had bid, and naturally, was selected by the congregation to do the job.

On the morning the job began, the painter realized that he had underbid the job by 50%! Not wanting to lose the job, he decided to thin the paint out with water, so he would be able to complete the job for the price quoted.

One week later, he received a call from the priest, explaining that after the first rain, half of the paint had washed off the church. The painter returned, looked at the building, and sure enough, the job was ruined. He went inside to pray about the situation, knowing that his business' reputation was on the line. "What can I possibly do, Lord?" prayed the discouraged businessman.

Suddenly, God, in a loud voice from the altar replied, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

Falling

John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and start decorating the house and tree. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind. Jill heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?"

"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.

"Anything broken?" asked Jill

John replied, "No, I'm fine."

There was just a slight pause before he heard Jill say, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"

Texas Traffic Stop

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'"

Safe Plane Flight

Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, "Have a safe trip." Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do! Go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what? I feel I'm doing my part by not going up to the cockpit every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?"

Geography Test

Jimmy came home from school with an F on his geography test. His mother was reviewing his work, and noticed that he had gotten one particularly easy question wrong.

"Jimmy," she asked, "Santa Cruz is in California."

"No, it isn't. It doesn't exist."

"Of course it exists. What makes you think it's imaginary?"

"That's what you told me, mommy," the boy replied.

"When did I tell you that?"

"Last Christmas, when I wanted to know why I didn't get a horse."

"No, I told you that Santa Claus doesn't exist, not Santa Cruz."

Martha Stewart's Christmas Letter To Erma Bombeck

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve- course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha, I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how do they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor; trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!

The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later. Love, Erma

Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town, 0r, Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna out, then maybe I'll tell you why.

Depression: Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

Borderline Personality: Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Relgious Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," replied the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple"

• The Catholic type supports the masses,
• the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
• the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
• and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Rudolf to Blitzen

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had to be a female.

We should have known this when when they were able to find their way.

Christmas Shepherd

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Peter to Joe, "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

Thanksgiving Themed Movies

To Kill A Walking Bird

My Best Friend's Dressing

The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

Casserolablanca

The Fabulous Baster Boys

12 Hungry Men

Silence of the Yams

For Love of The Game Hen

I Know What You Ate Last Winter

All the President's Menu

White Meat Can't Jump

When Harry Met Salad

The Story of U.S.

The Wing and I

T-shirt Season Almost Over

With school back in session and a definite cooling in the evening air, we can predict more flannel and fewer short sleeves. A quick look back over a few of the great T-Shirts of this past summer

I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

(on a field of dandelions)

God Made Us Sisters

Prozac Made Us Friends

If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven

I Ain't Going

If It's Tourist Season

Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Senior Citizen

Give Me My Damn Discount

No, It Doesn't Hurt

(on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)

I Used To Be Schizophrenic

But We're OK Now

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

(Over the outline of the state of California)

Veni, Vedi, Visa:

I Came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the

Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

(at countless backyard grills)

Front: Yale Is Just One Big Party

Back: With a $35,000 Cover Charge

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...

Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major...

Will Think For Money

Gravity...

It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If At First You Don't Succeed,

Skydiving Isn't Your Sport

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President.

That's One of the Risks You Take.

First Things First

Not Necessarily in That Order

Dear Dogs and Cats

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Please note that I do not start at you when you eat, so please do the same for me.

When I say "No" in a loud, commanding voice, it does not mean "continue with what you were doing, only more diligently."

Teach Them Young

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good." she says. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack." says the little boy.

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

Will I Live To 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?"

"No I don't." I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I have never done any of those things." He looked at me and said,

"Then why do you care if you live to be 80."

The Flower Shop

Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon crowds were flocking to the shop.

Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen. They politely declined.

So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to persuade the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well.

Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest, and his children to visit the monks - each in turn asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work.

Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a baseball bat, shattered the windows of

the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monks black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business.

Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery. Proving, of course...

...only Hugh can prevent florist friars.