My Workout

Let me tell you about a secret I've discovered for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen, 3 days a week, if you would like.

I start by standing outside behind my house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a while I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

This was real work, but the results were worth it!

Next week, I'll start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level."

Walking For Your Health

1. Walking 20 minutes can add hours to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $9,500 per month.
2. My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
4. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I joined a health club last year, spent about 450 dollars. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
6. Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
7. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a very small country.
9. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
10. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a "Happy Hour" and by the time I leave, I think I look just fine.

Will's Weekly Workout

The Doctor has told Will that he should start a fitness program.

Will, not wanting to harm his old, rather corpulent, body, has decided to put the following weekly regimen into practise:

Day 1

Beat around the bush several times.

Jump to conclusions all the time.

Climb the walls.

Wade through the daily paper from start to finish.

Day 2

Drag my heels constantly.

Push my luck all the time.

Make mountains out of mole hills.

Hit the nail on the head regularly.

Day 3

Bend over backwards.

Jump onto the latest bandwagon.

Run around in circles all day.

Day 4

Advise the President how to run the country.

Blow my own trumpet constantly.

Pull out all the stops for just today.

Add fuel to the fire.

Day 5

Open a can of worms.

Put my foot in my mouth regularly.

Start the ball rolling often.

Go over the edge in the evening.

Day 6

Pick up the pieces.

Raise the roof.

Lift a pint many times.

Skip the washing up.

Day 7

Kneel in prayer.

Bow my head in thanksgiving.

Raise my hands in praise.

Hug and cuddle someone and encourage them.

What an amazing workout!

At The Gym

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great.

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.