I Don't Wanna Go To School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" 

Thunderstorm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Getting into Heaven

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Drink of Water

 A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Bathroom Scale

My son noticed me standing on the bathroom scale, pulling in my rather ample belly.

Smart ass that he is, he said, "I don't think that's going to help much."

I said, "Sure it does.  How else can I see the numbers on the scale?"

A Son's Question

A little boy went up to his father and asked "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. 

Dear Dad: 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. 

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it' s not only the passion.Dad she's pregnant. 

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.  Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. 

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. 

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. 

 

Love, Your Son John 

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card That's in my center desk drawer. 

 

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home 

Instant Reaction

A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,

"Play Ball!"

Tupperware Party

One evening after dinner, a five year old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime...

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his mother about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. "The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my wife interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Mom, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

Such Language

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.

"I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.

"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says.

She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.

"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin' French toast."

Reasoning

Pastor Dave Charlton says, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

"About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'

It worked!"

A Night Visit From Insomnia

It seems to me that I was plunged into sleep deprivation the night my first child was born and have been struggling to get out of that debt ever since. For example, here's what happened when I went to bed the other night at 9:00pm, knowing I had to get up at 5:00 the next morning.

9:10: My daughter calls to ask if she can stay out past curfew, which is 9:00pm on a school night. I tell her this is like closing the barn door after the horses have escaped, which earns me a puzzled silence. I tell her no, come home immediately.

9:20: My son bursts in to report that his sister is out past curfew. I tell him I know. Will she get in trouble, my son eagerly asks. Yes, go to bed, I say. Will she be grounded for a week, he wants to know. You are up past your bedtime, I remonstrate, go to sleep. Yeah but she's out past curfew, he counters. I know that now go to bed, I tell him. He sulks off.

9:30: My daughter calls to ask if what I am telling her is that we are getting horses. No of course not and where are you, I demand. She explains that since she was in trouble anyway she figured she might as well stay at Katie's house and watch the rest of the movie. Come home now, I thunder, earning me the Meanest Man in the World Award for the 48th month in a row.

10:00: My daughter's home. The house rocks with what feels like incoming artillery as she stomps down to her room, slamming all the doors in her path, even some she doesn't pass through.

10:15: The phone rings. It is my daughter's friend, calling to tell her how the movie ended.

11:00: My son comes in the room to tell me he is having trouble sleeping. Must be contagious, I say. Can I listen to music, he asks. Whatever, just go to bed, I reply.

11:15: My daughter storms into my bedroom and demands I tell my son to turn off his music because it is keeping her awake. That's stupid she can't even hear it, he responds, following her in. Oh yeah then how did I know you had it on, she snaps. Because you came in my room to see, he claims. That's stupid why would I do that, she wants to know. Turn off the music and both of you go to bed, I shout. They leave,

muttering.

11:45: My dog spies something in the yard which can only be barked at through my bedroom window.

11:50: My son comes in to ask what the barking was about. I tell him I have no idea and suggest we donate the dog to science.

12:00: My son returns to ask if he still has to go to school tomorrow even though he was up so late. Of course, I tell him, go to bed.

12:30: My phone rings. It is my sister, calling from a bar in San Diego where she is on vacation and, from the sound of it, attending a shouting festival. I ask her if she is familiar with the concept of "time zones." I can't hear you it is too noisy in this joint, she responds. I will call you from a quieter place. Don't! I plead as she hangs up.

1:30: I am lying awake, dreading my sister's next phone call.

2:00 The dog charges the window again, snarling. This flurry of aggression startles the cat, who rockets off the bed, claws extended as she scrabbles across my bare chest.

2:05: My kids stumble in to find out why I screamed.

2:30: The dog yelps and whines in her sleep, dreaming about whatever it is in our yard.

3:15: My sister phones to apologize for calling so late, but she knew I'd be worried if she didn't call back. I was not worried, I assure her. You never cared about me, she sobs, hanging up.

4:00: I am mentally refuting the argument that I never cared about my sister. No jury in the world would disagree with me.

4:15: This time, when my dog attacks the window, I get up and let her out.

4:30: My neighbor calls to complain my dog has treed something in his yard.

5:00: The alarm goes off.

The Homework Hustle

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

Perfectionist

Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.

"This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."

"One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively. "My father helped me."

Practical Gift

My Wife decided that our 10 year old son should get something "practical" for his birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

My son was delighted.

"It's your account," she said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

He was doing fine until he came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, he put down "Piggy."

What A Friend

A father and son wanted to hunt on a friend's property, so they called him and made arrangements for a date. Early in the morning they arrived on the appointed day, and the son went up to the friend's house and told him that they were ready to start the hunt.

The friend told him where to hunt and asked him to do him a little favor. "When you pass the barn, shoot that old mule. He's about 40 years old, but we don't have the heart to kill him."

The son, thinking he could have a little fun with his father, said, "Dad, that so-and-so friend of ours changed his mind and now he won't let us hunt on his property so I think I'll just walk over there and kill his mule." He grabbed his gun, walked over and shot the old mule.

He had started back to the car when he heard bang, bang, and his father yelling, "You were right about our friend, Son, so I killed two of his cows!"

Kids

I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed- time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading one book. Then it's lights out!"

His arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and he said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."

Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, he was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then he whispered, "Maybe you could go be their dad?"

The Winning Run

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Fishing For Answers

A father and son went fishing one day.

After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"