Sometimes It Pays To Be Old

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers" and she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

Joys Of Jigsaw

Everything I needed to know in life I learned from a jigsaw puzzle.

• Don't force a fit. If something is meant to be, it will come together naturally.
• When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return.
• Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration.
• Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece.
• When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later.
• The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook.
• Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting.
• Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order.
• Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising.
• Take time to celebrate your successes (even little ones).
• Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed.

Dentist

Dentist: "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient: "How much will this cost?"

Dentist: "It'll be $100."

Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

Just Another Blonde Joke

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times."

Your Don't Know Shit

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

Children's Party

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time.

But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay

him $50!"

The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.

"Hey Neil! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"

Star Player

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Thanks Honey

Mark went into a convenience store to prepay for gasoline and returned with two plastic bottles of soda. As he filled the tank, his wife opened a bottle. To her dismay it fizzed and foamed all over her lap.

Several miles down the road, Mark asked for his soda.

Handing it to him, She warned, "Be careful. These are really over-carbonated."

But when Mark opened his bottle, it barely hissed. Eyes on the road, he nonchalantly said, "You must have gotten the one I dropped."

American History

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it to a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

How To Place New Employees In The Proper Department

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Practical Gift

My Wife decided that our 10 year old son should get something "practical" for his birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

My son was delighted.

"It's your account," she said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

He was doing fine until he came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, he put down "Piggy."

The Snowball

I made myself a snowball

as perfect as could be.

I thought I'd keep it as a pet,

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas,

And a pillow for its head

Then last night it ran away

But first -- it wet the bed.

Three Bad Nuns

There were these three nuns and they were tired of being good so they went to the priest and asked if they could be bad for one day. He said that they could do one thing wrong but they had to come straight back and tell him what they did.

The first nun comes back. "And what did you do wrong, Sister?"

"I took a doll baby away from a little girl and she cried and cried and cried."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

The Second nun comes back shortly afterwards.

"And what did you do wrong, Sister" he asks again.

"I took a shovel from a little boy in a sand box and he cried and cried and cried."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

Just then the third nun comes up to the priest and again he asks, "And what did you do wrong, Sister."

"I peed in the holy water."

Back In My Day

• In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
• Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
• In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
• In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
• Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
• In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed, razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.

Gotcha

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"

It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

What Is Easter

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question. "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust and tells her she's wrong. He then peers over his clipboard at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Kitchen Plaque Sayings

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

I don't do mouse work! (With a picture of a kitten.)

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen... And this kitchen is delirious.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Self cleaning kitchen. Clean up after yourself. Mom's off duty.

Housework done properly can kill you.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.

This is my kitchen. I am the boss! If you don't believe it...start something!

I'm the Mommy, that's why!

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

Caution: Cook At Work!

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

New Family Addition

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

So... here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're it."

Pregnant

A lovely young single girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition; marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying.

As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "Mama, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her.

The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "You!," she shouted, "What's it going to be?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand, "Please take a seat, Mrs. Howard. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week."

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"

Ten Commandments

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

Warning Signs That You Need A New Doctor

• The patient before you was a goat.
• Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.
• He has an assistant named Igor.
• The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."
• Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.
• During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.
• Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.
• He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.
• You can beat him in a game of Operation.
• All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."
• He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.

Miracle Doctor

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do.

Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

So Mr. Smith went to this "miracle doctor" to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43 Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.

New Secretary

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?" he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."

Moose Loose Aboot This Hoose

A Scotsman paying his first visit to the zoo stopped by one of the cages.

"An whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper.

"That's a moose from Canada," came the reply.

"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man - they must ha' rrrats like elephants ower there!"

Passing The Plate

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said...

"Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name."

Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."

The Great Zero

Jimmy was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'.

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in the Sky.

Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered, "Is Nothing Sacred?

Old Man

There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain, these two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up.

They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window!

The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well offer him a cigarette! Hurry!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"

Then all of a sudden again there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells.

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "Step on it!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"Oh my God! He's back!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "What do you want now?" in stark terror.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?

Wet And Dry

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Not Drunk

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Sweeping Pun

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am.

The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

"What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Ears Popping

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

Summer Vacation

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

Signs You've Bought A Bad Car

• Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
• The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
• The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
• The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
• The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
• Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
• The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
• You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coal.
• You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
• When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

Husband And Wife

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.

She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

Morris's Physical

77 year old Morris went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, "Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and have a good relationship with God?"

Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof*... the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Cohen," That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. "Becky," he said, " Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* The light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?"

Becky replied, "The darn fool!... He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Rural Doctor

The rural doctor came out to the farm to check on the farmer's wife. Upon arriving, the doctor felt thirsty. He walked over to the well to bring up some cool water, but slipped and fell in.

The moral is that a doctor should take care of the sick and leave the well alone.

Really Lazy Worker

A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.

"Too much trouble," he responded.

Got Any Duck Food?

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?"

To which the clerk replies, "No."

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?"

The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out."

So then the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

Where You Live

You live in Arizona when...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and Are You Kidding Me!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Blonde Gambler

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered , "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

The Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional and the following conversation ensues:

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

The Indian's Loan

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

What A Friend

A father and son wanted to hunt on a friend's property, so they called him and made arrangements for a date. Early in the morning they arrived on the appointed day, and the son went up to the friend's house and told him that they were ready to start the hunt.

The friend told him where to hunt and asked him to do him a little favor. "When you pass the barn, shoot that old mule. He's about 40 years old, but we don't have the heart to kill him."

The son, thinking he could have a little fun with his father, said, "Dad, that so-and-so friend of ours changed his mind and now he won't let us hunt on his property so I think I'll just walk over there and kill his mule." He grabbed his gun, walked over and shot the old mule.

He had started back to the car when he heard bang, bang, and his father yelling, "You were right about our friend, Son, so I killed two of his cows!"

The DInner Party

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

Fast Food

Karen and Jill were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place their order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

Jill says to Karen, pointing to the sign, "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Leg Length

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, told me I was crazy, but last week, he finally went.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/2" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So,"

I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

Telling Jokes

A man walks into a bar one evening, and this is the first time he's been in this particular bar. As he sits at the counter drinking, suddenly he hears someone call out, "Number 35." And everybody in the bar bursts out laughing.

A little later, someone else calls out, "Number 47." Again everybody bursts out laughing.

So the man turns to his neighbour and asks, "What's the deal with the numbers, and why is everybody laughing?"

The man's new acquaintance explains, "You see, we've told the same jokes so often, everybody has them memorized. So we made a list of all of the jokes and numbered them. Now, instead of telling a joke, we just call out that joke's number, and everybody knows what we mean."

The man thought it over, and decided he'd like to try. So he called out, "Number 26." And nobody laughed. There wasn't a chuckle, giggle or snicker to be heard in the whole room.

Disappointed, the man said, "What did I do wrong?"

His drinking buddy answered, "Well, you know how it is. Some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."

Senior Golf

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"

Grieving Widow

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years younger than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said thinking out loud. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

5

4

3

2

Overdue Bill

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

Seat On The Bus

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

I'll Tell

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were llunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."