Thanksgiving Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Turkey did?"

Scrawny Turkey

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know.

His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink.

And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said...

"Christmas is coming..."

Thanksgiving Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Six Legged Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know." said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Thanksgiving Dinner Bribe

The entire family was assembled for Thanksgiving dinner. All four children were there with their spouses that they had recently married. All four couples were childless.

Before saying grace, Father said that he would give $10,000 to the son or daughter who would present Mom and himself with their first grandchild. After the "Amen," he looked up to find nobody left at the table except himself, Mom and the turkey.

Serving himself one drumstick and Mom the other, he turned to Mom and said, "Told you it would work."

Turkey Hunter's Tale

Tommy and Billy were discussing their latest turkey shoot. Tommy says emphatically, "I am never going to take my wife Laura shooting with me ever again!"

"That bad, eh?" enquires Billy smiling.

"Yeah, Laura did everything wrong, got nothing right. She chattered too much, constantly disturbed the undergrowth, loaded the wrong gauge shot in the gun, used the wrong luring whistles and worst of all," bellows Tommy, "she shot more turkeys than me!"

How To Cook A Turkey

1. Go buy a turkey
2. Take a drink of whisky
3. Put turkey in the oven
4. Take another 2 drinks of whisky
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskys of drink
7. Turk the bastey
8. Whisky another bottle of get
9. Ponder the meat thermometer
10. Glass yourself a pour of whisky
11. Bake the whisky for 4 hours
12. Take the oven out of the turkey
13. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
14. Turk the carvey
15. Get yourself another scottle of botch
16. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
17. Bless the dinner and pass out

12 Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Turkey

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

The Trap

A Pilgrim woman told her husband it would be nice to invite the Indians over for dinner to thank them for all their help since the arrival at Plymouth Rock. She asked him to go hunting and catch a nice big pheasant so they could have a celebration. The husband, having just gotten off the boat, wasn't much of a hunter, but he did his best and set a snare along a small path in the woods.

A short while later, a pheasant came down the path and noticed the circle of strings. "Gee," it said, "That looks like a trap. Someone could get hurt in one of those." And the pheasant gingerly stepped around the trap.

Soon, another pheasant came down the path and saw the snare. "Gosh!" it said. "A bird could get caught in one of those. These things shouldn't be left lying around!" The pheasant carefully stepped around the trap and went on its way.

Then, a turkey came down the path. Upon seeing the snare, it said, "Wow! A trap! I wonder if it works..."