One Easter Sunday

One Easter Sunday in a large Baptist church in Birmingham, the minister decided to have all the young children come forward to the front of the sanctuary in their new Easter outfits for a quick "children's sermon." He couldn't help but notice one especially pretty little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl about five or six years old. She was wearing a beautiful white frilly dress, with rows and rows of ruffles head to toe. But she had such a sad expression on her face.

Trying to cheer her up, the minister called her by name, and said "you look so lovely this morning. And I know you will wear that dress a lot because it is so gorgeous."

Sadly, she shook her head, and said, "no, preacher, I won't ever wear this dress again."

Naturally, he couldn't imagine that response... so he said, "but, honey, you look so beautiful in that dress."

The little girl said, "well, thank you preacher, but I will never wear this dress again."

The minister said, "well, I just have to ask you why... when it is so pretty."

She very matter of factly (and in a rather loud voice) replied, "because my momma says it's a pain to iron!"

The Rules Of Chocolate

1. If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. 
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. 
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
8. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
9. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
10. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? 
Because no one wants to quit.
11. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
12. Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
13. Happy Easter! 

Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate Easter

1. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments."
2. You look really, really good in yellow.
3. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.
4. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.
5. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
6. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.
7. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.
8. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."
9. You figured since Jesus went to all that trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.
10. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too? 
 

Reasons I Still Believe In The Easter Bunny

1. Hey, I watch television. Every year, he's there clucking in the Cadbury egg commercials.
2. Who do you think delivers all the baskets and stuff, the little chicks? Doubtful.
3. When I was six, I saw a bunny at the scene of the crime. He put his finger aside his nose, and up the chimney he rose.
4. It was a little cafe somewhere in France, I was young, and yes, I believed everything he told me.
5. Someone is posing for those chocolate rabbit molds, and I think you're thinking what I'm thinking.
6. Who else has time to color all those eggs? Not me, Jack.
7. Yeah, and Peter Rabbit didn't think Mr. McGregor was going to catch him in the cabbage patch either -- get with the times.
8. I had a pet rabbit in the 4th grade, and he told me it was all true.
9. Once, I put a tooth under my pillow, and in the morning I had a marshmallow Easter egg.
10. Someone has to believe in the Easter bunny.

Signs The Easter Bunny Is Nuts

1. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."
2. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"
3. Can't stop washing his paws.
4. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.
5. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
6. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."
7. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.
8. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.
9. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.
10. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck. 
 

Secret Service

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!" 


What Is Easter

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question. "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust and tells her she's wrong. He then peers over his clipboard at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes. "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny

• Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
• Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
• Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
• There's no such thing as too much candy.
• All work and no play can make you a basket case.
• A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
• Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
• Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
• Some body parts should be floppy.
• Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
• Good things come in small sugar coated packages.
• The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
• An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
• To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
• The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.