Marylou

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name Marylou on it" she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I wanted to be sure to bet on" he explains.

She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later he is again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he says "What was that for?"

She says, "Your horse phoned."

Five

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day.

I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start "Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?" I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth."

You Play Golf?

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, all things considered. I've had some problems lately and they've affected my swing, but I think I've got that going right again."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger asks, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

The Yiddish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day, wishing something wonderful would happen to his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:

"Quawwwwk... vus macht du... yeah, you... outside, standing like a schmuck... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said:

"Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"What did you expect? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night long he talked with the parrot... in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America; about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride; about his family; about his years of working in the garment industry; and about sunny Florida.

The parrot listened and commented while sharing some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer handmade a miniature yarmulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. Before long Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more.

On Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.

Needless to say, they were quite a spectacle. Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, the Rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet... even odds... that the parrot could not pray, could not speak Yiddish, or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed... but not a peep from the bird. Meyer become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray!"

The parrot said nothing.

"Pray, parrot! You can pray... do it now while everybody is looking at you!"

The parrot said nothing.

After services were over, Meyer realized he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home... very disgusted, saying nothing.

Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird... you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. After you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah... Why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

Arm Wrestling

Johnny was an arm wrestling champion. For years he had set up his table out by the channel, right beside the water gate. Not once had Johnny ever lost an arm-wrestling match. And every time he won he took twenty dollars from the loser. One would think that the other guys in the town would stop coming, but they came back, time and time again.

One day the other guys decided they were going to get back at Johnny. He had been winning money from them for as long as they could remember.

So they sent word out to Frankie from the next town over. Frankie was said to be stronger than any man alive. Surely he could beat Johnny.

Finally, the big day came. Johnny set up his table and Frankie sat down across from him.

Frankie grinned at Johnny, "Why don't we raise the stakes a little bit this time?"

Johnny shrugged. "Two hundred dollars?"

"How about two thousand dollars?" Frankie's grin was looking a little more sinister.

Johnny yawned. "Fine with me." Then they got down to business.

As the referee yelled "go" the competition began in earnest. The sun sparkled off the slow flowing water as sweat started to drip down the contestants' faces.

Slowly, Frankie was taking the lead. Johnny's hand came down and down and down. In one final effort, Frankie forced Johnny's hand all the way down onto the table, winning the match.

The crowd went wild. Frankie jumped up and started dancing around.

As Frankie danced around near the edge of the channel, Johnny got up from the table. He ran over and knocked Frankie into the water and quickly turned the valve of the water gate. The water poured out and swept Frankie away.

Johnny turned to the stunned onlookers and said, "It's okay, guys. You win some, you sluice some."