Perfect Opening

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have the perfect opening for a person like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

The Fastest

here were four good ole boys, you know Rednecks from Mississippi, who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job with a company up north in Chicago.

There was Bobby Joe, Billy Joe, Jimmy Joe and John boy. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired...

All applicants agreed that this was fair. The next day the first applicant, Bobby Joe, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all," said Bobby Joe...

"it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

"Next," said the president. The same question was posed to Billy Joe... "What is the fastest thing in the world?" Billy Joe paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink," said Billy Joe.

"It's just a reflex. you do it in an instant." The president thanked him and said, "Next."

The next person called in was Jimmy Joe and The President asked him what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, Jimmy Joe replied,

"I would have to say electricity."

"Why do you say electricity?" asked the President.

"Because," Jimmy Joe said, "a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on!"

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the last candidate, John Boy, was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

John Boy said, "Well, last night after dinner, back at the hotel I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... Before I could think, blink or turn on the lights..."

A Job In The Zoo

Harry starts his new job at the zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this when suddenly a great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death.

Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. Harry gets in and a couple of chimps start throwing mud at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is worried now, so what does he do? he feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and asks 'what's the food like here?'

The other lion responds, "Absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees!"

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young business graduate fresh out of Harvard, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The MBA said, "In the neighborhood of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks of vacation a year, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a mid sized BMW?"

The graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of January 14th.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. These past few months I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department on February 1st. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Interviewee