How To Live To Be 100

It was Grandpa John's 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained. "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75 years."

"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.

"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made a solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

Birthday Present

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

For Her Birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

I'd love to be six again, she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local amusement park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was. Wow! Six hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Birthday Celebration

"Look at me!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit ups before a group of young people.

"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow... tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 90th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

Blonde Interview

A Blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

She bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear..."

Wrapping Presents With A Cat

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
17. Place present on paper.
18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper.
26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)
33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

Woman And Cats

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Yard Sale

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller - guaranteed to work."

I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

The Art Collector

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold twenty-three cats."

How To Train A Cat

Our young son had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my wife reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my wife patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my wife deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Listen To Mother

A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.

At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was any question she might want to ask.

The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"

Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm so glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"

Kitten asked "What is that, Momma?"

Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt, wash!"

Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

How To Make Puppy Pie

Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients:

1 cup patience.

1 cup understanding.

1 pinch correction.

1 cup hard work.

2 cups praise.

1 1/2 cups fun.

Blend well.

Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size.

Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one.

Enjoy!

Fast Thinking

Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a german shepard. They decide they'd like to go into a bar for a drink.

"But we can't bring our dogs into that bar," says the poodle's human.

"Hey, no problem," says the german shepard's owner. "Just watch this."

He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar.

"Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender

"But this is a seeing eye dog," says the german shepard's human.

The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair.

So, the poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar.

"Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender.

"But this is a seeing eye dog," says the poodle's human.

The bartender objects, "Hey, poodles can't be seeing eye dogs!"

The poodle owner gasps, "Poodle? They told me they were giving me a german shepard!"

Ode To Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marks four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

and weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My checker tolled me sew.

Computerized Airliner

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically.

The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned.

"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong..."

Don't Blame The Doctor

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.

"My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

A Cat Fitness Program

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is knowing when to start the program. The best time is around 2 a.m. The house is quiet and there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work the best) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wall boards before it disappears under the fridge.

Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macrame plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Work-Out!

Mr. Potato Head

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named.

Mr. Potato Head

He's tan.

He's cute.

He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

Blonde Detectives

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "For God's sake, What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "Now think hard before giving me a stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses..."

The policeman is surprised and speechless "Wow! I can't believe it... It's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear..."

Ten Ways To Make Your Neighbor Move

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!" Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.
3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.
5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."
7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors each day hack off a different part of their body.
9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)
10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

Things That Never Happen In Star Trek

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse.'
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so!"
23. Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry? Did he serve you poisonous tea? He's mine!"
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than two seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck.
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and everyone is grateful.
32. The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.
43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc. due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
47. A beautiful woman beams aboard the Enterprise, and none of the main characters sleep with her.
48. A relative visits the Enterprise, and there is no conflict.
49. An entire planet is about to perish, and they stop it in the first 15 minutes.

Scrawny Turkey

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know.

His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink.

And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said...

"Christmas is coming..."

Thanksgiving Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

What To Be Thankful For

The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving service.

A ragged man in the audience asked, "What is there to be thankful for?"

Surprised, the minister replied, "What is your name,sir?"

"Cause," was the reply.

"Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body..."

"I'm blind and I have lung cancer."

"...or your family..."

"I don't have a family."

"...or your home..."

"I don't have a home."

"Well, then I guess you're a lost Cause!"

Short Thanksgiving Jokes

Q. What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?

A. If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Q. If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?

A. It simply wants to run away.

Q. What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

A. God save the kin.

Q. What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?

A. Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

Q. What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

A. To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.

Q. What key has legs and can't open doors?

A. A turkey.

Gobbler said, "Doctor, help me! I can't stop acting like a turkey!"

"I see," said the doctor. "How long have you had this problem?"

"Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 2003."

Q. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

A. Pilgrims!

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?

A. It was the chicken's day off.

Q. If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

A. Their old age.

Q. Why can't you take a turkey to church?

A. Because they use such fowl language.

Q. What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called?

A. Turkey feathers.

Q. What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

A. The turkey trot.

Q. Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A. Yes, a building can't jump at all.

Q. What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

A. Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.

Q. How can you make a turkey float?

A. You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey.

Q. What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

A. Plymouth Rock.

Q. Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

A. The outside.

Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?

A. Because he had the drumsticks.

Q. Why did the police arrest the turkey?

A. They suspected it of fowl play.

Q. What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?

A. The tur-key.

Q. What did the turkey say before it was roasted?

A. Boy! I'm stuffed!

Q. Where did the first corn come from?

A. The stalk brought it.

Q. Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?

A. To keep his wig-wam.

Q. What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

A. He had an arrow escape.

Q. How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?

A. It hugged the shore.

Thanksgiving Themed Movies

• To Kill A Walking Bird
• My Best Friend's Dressing
• The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
• Casserolablanca
• The Fabulous Baster Boys
• 12 Hungry Men
• Silence of the Yams
• For Love of The Game Hen
• I Know What You Ate Last Winter
• All the President's Menu
• White Meat Can't Jump
• When Harry Met Salad
• The Wing and I

Mistletoe at the Airport

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Six Legged Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know." said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Thanksgiving Dinner Bribe

The entire family was assembled for Thanksgiving dinner. All four children were there with their spouses that they had recently married. All four couples were childless.

Before saying grace, Father said that he would give $10,000 to the son or daughter who would present Mom and himself with their first grandchild. After the "Amen," he looked up to find nobody left at the table except himself, Mom and the turkey.

Serving himself one drumstick and Mom the other, he turned to Mom and said, "Told you it would work."

Turkey Hunter's Tale

Tommy and Billy were discussing their latest turkey shoot. Tommy says emphatically, "I am never going to take my wife Laura shooting with me ever again!"

"That bad, eh?" enquires Billy smiling.

"Yeah, Laura did everything wrong, got nothing right. She chattered too much, constantly disturbed the undergrowth, loaded the wrong gauge shot in the gun, used the wrong luring whistles and worst of all," bellows Tommy, "she shot more turkeys than me!"

The Hated Cat

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. However, the cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

An hour later, the man calls his wife at home and asks her, "Jen is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" asked his wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that damn cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions home!"

The Twelve Days Of Thanksgiving

On the First Day...

We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day...

We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, slushy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day...

We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day...

We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day...

We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day...

We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day...

We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day...

The word "vegetarian" keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day...

We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day...

We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day...

We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day...

We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers, and everybody says, "Amen!"

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. Do you hear me?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."