Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. 

Dear Dad: 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. 

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it' s not only the passion.Dad she's pregnant. 

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.  Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. 

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. 

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. 

 

Love, Your Son John 

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card That's in my center desk drawer. 

 

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home 

Colors

As my granddaughter learned her colors, I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Say A Prayer

Little Johnny went with his mom and dad to his grandmother's house for dinner. When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

"I don't have to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house. She knows how to cook!"

Grandma's Revenge

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied... "I remember."

The Don's Rolex

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa. I really don't like guns. How about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead." the grandson says.

"You lisina to me. Some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino. Some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"

Thanksgiving Dinner Bribe

The entire family was assembled for Thanksgiving dinner. All four children were there with their spouses that they had recently married. All four couples were childless.

Before saying grace, Father said that he would give $10,000 to the son or daughter who would present Mom and himself with their first grandchild. After the "Amen," he looked up to find nobody left at the table except himself, Mom and the turkey.

Serving himself one drumstick and Mom the other, he turned to Mom and said, "Told you it would work."