Smart Mother

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, "WOOF!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language."

Rattlesnake Bite

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you're gonna die."

Success

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

The Baby's Name

When little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

The Birth Order Of Children

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical

swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

The DNA Man

Professor Jacques Bacque was a most notable scientist and his chosen field of study was genetics. He knew his DNA forwards and backwards.

Professor Bacque was the foremost predictor of births in the world. He would simply take some liquid from the mother's womb, test the DNA structure, and tell the parents to be the sex of their child.

He was often called upon to give testimony and to act as an expert witness in criminal cases where the validity of the DNA was at issue, or where genetics played a part. In fact he would have been called to testify in the O.J. Simpson trial had he not been so occupied with other matters. His clinic was overflowing. People came to him by the hundreds and thousands to determine the sex of their unborn child.

They also came because he had developed the method of predicting what serious diseases a person would be prone to in later life and how to prevent the contracting of such disease.

Because of the many, many clients he and his staff serviced, and the thousands of samples that he collected or where sent to him, he needed a facility for storage as well as for servicing clients. One never knew when some sample he had in stock would become useful, so he constructed a huge warehouse to store the DNA material and genes that he had collected. The structure that he had built was a beautiful clinic and storage facility and being somewhat of an odd ball, he built his facility in a remote, out-of-the-way portion of the state.

He built the building in the shape of DNA itself, as a double helix. And in front of this magnificent building, he erected a huge statue of himself.

The building was so stunning and different that visitors and tourists would drive miles out of their way just to see the building and statue.

They would stop in front of the attraction and gawk for hours, and when they asked the local townsfolk, What is that?" the answer always came back, "Oh! That's just Bacque and the gene stock.

That Darn Candle

A couple desperate to have a baby went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"Next week I am going to Rome and while I am there I will light a candle for you," he replied.

Three years later the priest returned to his parish and went to the young couple's house to visit. He found the wife to be pregnant and busy attending to two sets of twins. The priest felt very elated and asked the girl where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He has gone away for a while," came the harried reply.

"Where has he gone?" asked the priest.

She replied," To Rome, to blow the darn candle out!"

Naming The Twins

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."

Childbirth Pain

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

The married couple decided that they would try this. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father.

The husband said "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more."

The doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing"

The doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared."

The husband replied "I am ready," so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but still the husband didn't fell a thing.

The delivery was successful and pain free for both the wife and the husband and after a couple of days they returned home with their new baby...

... only to discover the mailman dead on the front porch!

The Wong Family

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings to them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations!" says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong".