Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." 

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. 

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. 

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. 

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" 

The owner responds, "Genius, no way! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" 

USMC Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

"You talk?" he asks. 

"Yep," the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services .. The United States Marine Corps. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs." 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. 

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. 

So, I decided to settle down.  I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." 

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." 

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

"Ten dollars," the guy says. 

"Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar!  He never did any of that crap.  He was in the Navy!"

Bear on the Roof

A man in Malmo, Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

 

He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

 

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof first, shoot that damn dog!" 

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? 

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 

ROTTWEILER: Make me. 

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? 

BULL TERRIER:  Is *that* was those were.  Kinda crunchy. I liked the way it popped.  Do you have any more?  Yum!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter  patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 

TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. 

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 

POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. 

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 

DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. 

BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares? 

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? 

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z 

CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?  

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have Masters, cats have Staff.

The Vet's Opinion

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the veterinary pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, he shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry sir, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and softly uttered "Woof." The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went ballistic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

My Dog

 I named my dog "5 Miles"...

So I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Bodine and Roxy.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 30 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet, and that the way it works is, to load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Dear Dogs and Cats

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Please note that I do not start at you when you eat, so please do the same for me.

When I say "No" in a loud, commanding voice, it does not mean "continue with what you were doing, only more diligently."

The Story Of Two Horses

Jake and Lucky were Kentucky bred race horses.

While young they led the proverbial "good life" for horses. They were free to frisk about in their assigned pasture to their hearts content, with all the sweet, luscious Kentucky blue grass to eat that any horse might desire.

Early in their training, it became obvious that Lucky was the faster of the two horses on the track. Jake did his best but, except on those few days when Lucky was "off his feed," he just could not seem to come in with a faster time.

One day, when they were alone in the pasture, Lucky said to Jake, "Let's race around the field, Jake!"

Jake replied, "I don't want to race you, Lucky. You always win so why should I even try to race you?"

Lucky answered, "It's such a beautiful day and I feel so great, Jake, that I'll just take it easy so you can win. Please race with me."

Jake said, "OK, Lucky, let's go!"

He took off in a whinny with Lucky in hot pursuit as they raced around the edge of the pasture. He lead most of the way but near the finish, Lucky pulled into the lead as they crossed the line.

After regaining their breath, Jake said, "You said you would take it easy and let me win, Lucky. Why didn't you keep your word?"

Lucky said, "I'm sorry, Jake, but in the heat of our race, I simply forgot. I'll not do it again."

Later that year, when the two horses were entered in their first race, Lucky won easily and Jake came in as an "also ran."

Several weeks later, when they were alone again in their pasture, Lucky once again was feeling at his frisky best.

He said to Jake, "Let's race, Jake!"

Jake sulked off, head held low.

Lucky stayed at his heels nibbling the sweet grass. With each succeeding bite of the savory grass Lucky's spirit rose. Finally he could stand no more.

"Jake, if you will just run with me around the pasture, we don't have to call it a race. I'll run along behind you. You can cross the finish line first."

Jake thought a minute and said, "It's such a beautiful day, Lucky. I'll take your word. Let's go!"

Off they ran through the knee deep grass with Jake in the lead and Lucky right on his heels. They whinnied with delight as they ran at full gallop.

Near the end of the course, Jake began to tire. Lucky had stamina to spare and passed Jake with ease. He crossed the finish line a full length ahead of Jake.

Needless to say, Jake was heartbroken. It was several days before he would even talk with Lucky.

When they finally made up, Lucky apologized endlessly. Jake accepted grudgingly but vowed he would never race Lucky again.

Lucky, went on to win almost every race in which he was entered: the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes. He had a long and illustrious career.

Whenever he was not racing, he was often returned to the pasture with his best friend Jake. Jake delighted in hearing of Lucky's triumphs, but won very few races himself.

Years later, after both had been retired from racing, when they were standing near the barn in the shade, Lucky suggested to Jake that they should gallop around the pasture, just for old time's sake.

Jake replied, "You know I won't do that, Lucky, because you always win!"

"On my word of honor, Jake, this time will be different," Lucky said. "I'll control myself and let you cross the finish line first."

Reluctantly, Jake said, "Don't run very fast, though. My old bones hurt too much when I gallop like we did years ago."

Lucky agreed and they trotted off around the field.

When they had almost completed the circuit, Jake tired badly so he slowed to a walk.

Lucky still had lots of energy so he cantered on ahead. He again finished in the lead as they neared the barn.

When they had both stopped near the barn an old dog who had observed the unfolding saga for years said, "I could have told you, Jake. You should have known. Lucky can't be trusted. He will always win whenever he runs."

Jake turned to Lucky and said, "Look, Lucky, a talking dog!"

Rules for Visitors

To pacify my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they

1. Eat less.

2. Don't ask for money all the time.

3. Are easier to train.

4. Usually come when called.

5. Never drive your car.

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.

7. Don't smoke or drink.

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.

9. Don't wear your clothes.

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Inner Peace

• If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills…
• If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains…
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles…
• If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it…
• If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time…
• If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong…
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment…
• If you can face the world without lies and deceit…
• If you can conquer tension without medical help…
• If you can relax without liquor…
• If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…

Then you're actually a dog.

Tough Puppy

A little timid man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which one of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.

"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" goes the dog.

And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Plants

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.

She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"

Telling Lies

Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. So she went to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office.

Sure enough here came little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson.

He told Johnny to take a seat, he wanted to tell him a story. He said, "Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shots. So, I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. They were falling out of the sky and fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. So, the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground where they hit two rabbits and killed them. Just as I was going to gather up my animals, a bear came out and started to get them. "Then the weirdest thing happened. A little dog showed up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed.

Now, little Johnny, you believe that story don't you?" Little Johnny said,

"Sure I do. That was my dog and that's the third bear he's got this year!"

A Night Visit From Insomnia

It seems to me that I was plunged into sleep deprivation the night my first child was born and have been struggling to get out of that debt ever since. For example, here's what happened when I went to bed the other night at 9:00pm, knowing I had to get up at 5:00 the next morning.

9:10: My daughter calls to ask if she can stay out past curfew, which is 9:00pm on a school night. I tell her this is like closing the barn door after the horses have escaped, which earns me a puzzled silence. I tell her no, come home immediately.

9:20: My son bursts in to report that his sister is out past curfew. I tell him I know. Will she get in trouble, my son eagerly asks. Yes, go to bed, I say. Will she be grounded for a week, he wants to know. You are up past your bedtime, I remonstrate, go to sleep. Yeah but she's out past curfew, he counters. I know that now go to bed, I tell him. He sulks off.

9:30: My daughter calls to ask if what I am telling her is that we are getting horses. No of course not and where are you, I demand. She explains that since she was in trouble anyway she figured she might as well stay at Katie's house and watch the rest of the movie. Come home now, I thunder, earning me the Meanest Man in the World Award for the 48th month in a row.

10:00: My daughter's home. The house rocks with what feels like incoming artillery as she stomps down to her room, slamming all the doors in her path, even some she doesn't pass through.

10:15: The phone rings. It is my daughter's friend, calling to tell her how the movie ended.

11:00: My son comes in the room to tell me he is having trouble sleeping. Must be contagious, I say. Can I listen to music, he asks. Whatever, just go to bed, I reply.

11:15: My daughter storms into my bedroom and demands I tell my son to turn off his music because it is keeping her awake. That's stupid she can't even hear it, he responds, following her in. Oh yeah then how did I know you had it on, she snaps. Because you came in my room to see, he claims. That's stupid why would I do that, she wants to know. Turn off the music and both of you go to bed, I shout. They leave,

muttering.

11:45: My dog spies something in the yard which can only be barked at through my bedroom window.

11:50: My son comes in to ask what the barking was about. I tell him I have no idea and suggest we donate the dog to science.

12:00: My son returns to ask if he still has to go to school tomorrow even though he was up so late. Of course, I tell him, go to bed.

12:30: My phone rings. It is my sister, calling from a bar in San Diego where she is on vacation and, from the sound of it, attending a shouting festival. I ask her if she is familiar with the concept of "time zones." I can't hear you it is too noisy in this joint, she responds. I will call you from a quieter place. Don't! I plead as she hangs up.

1:30: I am lying awake, dreading my sister's next phone call.

2:00 The dog charges the window again, snarling. This flurry of aggression startles the cat, who rockets off the bed, claws extended as she scrabbles across my bare chest.

2:05: My kids stumble in to find out why I screamed.

2:30: The dog yelps and whines in her sleep, dreaming about whatever it is in our yard.

3:15: My sister phones to apologize for calling so late, but she knew I'd be worried if she didn't call back. I was not worried, I assure her. You never cared about me, she sobs, hanging up.

4:00: I am mentally refuting the argument that I never cared about my sister. No jury in the world would disagree with me.

4:15: This time, when my dog attacks the window, I get up and let her out.

4:30: My neighbor calls to complain my dog has treed something in his yard.

5:00: The alarm goes off.

Lawyer's Dog

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

Dog License

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."

This Is Heaven

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said... "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too?"

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Can't Sleep

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"