Bear on the Roof

A man in Malmo, Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

 

He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

 

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof first, shoot that damn dog!" 

Bear Warning

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. 

Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. 

To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read - small bear droppings are small with nuts and berries in it. 

Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it. 

Polar Bear Jokes

Q: What did the polar bear cub say to its mother at mealtime?

A: "Aw, no! Not seals again!"

Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?

A: A seal in each paw!

Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?

A: "Oooo! I love these things! Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside!"

Q: Why shouldn't you take polar bears to the zoo?

A: Because they'd rather go to the movies.

Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?

A: The dentist.

Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?

A: "Sandwiches!"

Q: Why do polar bears have fur coats?

A: Because the seals laughed at them when they wore parkas!

Q: What's another reason polar bears have fur coats?

A: Because they would freeze in Hawaiian shirts!

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?

A: A polar bear.

Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?

A: Drizzly bears.

Q: What has four legs and a flipper?

A: A happy polar bear!

Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?

A: It just presses the "paws" button.

Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?

A: Insist that it pay cash!

Q: What did the polar bear put on the sign when seals were very scarce?

A: "Tourists Welcome!"

Q: What's white, furry, rides a walrus, and knocks a ball around the ice?

A: A polo bear!

Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?

A: A poker bear!

Q: What's white, furry, likes to dance, and wears short leather pants?

A: A polka bear!

Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?

A: Roller bears!

Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?

A: A bitemare!

Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?

A: A "brrr"-"grrr"!

Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?

A: "I think I'd like a salad!"

Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?

A: "Meals on Wheels!"

Q: What do you call a big mean polar bear?

A: Don't call it anything - just run!

Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?


A: Call it anything you want - it can't hear you.

Q: Why are polar bears big and furry?

A: Because if they were small and smooth, they'd be aspirins.

Q: Why do polar bears win so many races?

A: Because they're always in the "pole" position.

Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?

A: When it's in a "grizzly" mood.

Q: Why would polar bears be cheap to keep as pets?

A: They live on ice!

Q: What's the difference between a polar bear and a mailbox?

A: You don't know? Well, I'm not asking you to mail my letters!

Q: Have you ever seen a man eating polar bear?

A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?

A: I'm not sure - but I wouldn't try smelling it!

Q: What's white, furry, and throws balls of ice at igloos?

A: A bowler bear!

Q: What's white, furry, wears sunglasses, and lazes in the sun all summer long?

A: A solar bear!

Q: Polar bear cubs are born wet, naked, and in an icy cave. Then what happens?

A: Things get worse!

Q: Where do you find polar bears?

A: It depends on where you lost them.

Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?

A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?

A: It's easy - just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.

Q: How do you put a walrus into a refrigerator?

A: Just open the door, tell the polar bear to get out, stuff the walrus in, and close the door.

Q: There is a big animal meeting in the Arctic. All the animals are supposed to be there but one animal isn't. Which one is missing?

A: The walrus - it's still locked in the refrigerator.

Q: You have to paddle your kayak across water where dangerous polar bears swim. How will you do this without becoming polar bear lunch?

A: Just paddle across. All the polar bears are at the big animal meeting. Don't you remember?

Bear Attack

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Telling Lies

Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. So she went to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office.

Sure enough here came little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson.

He told Johnny to take a seat, he wanted to tell him a story. He said, "Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shots. So, I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. They were falling out of the sky and fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. So, the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground where they hit two rabbits and killed them. Just as I was going to gather up my animals, a bear came out and started to get them. "Then the weirdest thing happened. A little dog showed up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed.

Now, little Johnny, you believe that story don't you?" Little Johnny said,

"Sure I do. That was my dog and that's the third bear he's got this year!"

Running Shoes

Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk towards them.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear."

"If you know that, why are you changing shoes?"

"Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

Christian Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. and he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen."

A Lawyer, A Czech And The Bear

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick, shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.

"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

The Checkup

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Bear In A Bar

This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.

The bear says, "What do I owe you?"

The bartender stops and thinks for a moment. "Even though this bear is smart," thinks the bartender, "he probably hasn't been in many bars."

So the bartender says, "That will be ten dollars."

The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.

After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.

"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."

The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."