Sunday Service

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.

One  little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat  down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Thunderstorm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Getting into Heaven

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Drink of Water

 A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Poor Cat

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. 

She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Sensitivity Training

One day Steve falls off his motorcycle and is killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

 

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow.'"

"She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'"

 

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

What Sound Does it Make?

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.

She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr.., it goes.. click!"

Sixth Grade Science Class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 

One, you have a dirty mind,

Two, you didn't read your homework,

 

and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? 

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 

ROTTWEILER: Make me. 

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? 

BULL TERRIER:  Is *that* was those were.  Kinda crunchy. I liked the way it popped.  Do you have any more?  Yum!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter  patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 

TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. 

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 

POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. 

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 

DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. 

BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares? 

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? 

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z 

CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?  

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have Masters, cats have Staff.

Dating Service

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

Three Chairs

At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients. He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair, "that's easy," came the reply, "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front."

Gone Swimming

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After he ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and  the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

All the States

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time...

One day he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History...

Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of ALL the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Closing Time

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn'’t let a person in your condition in—“.

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. 

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...

"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

The Drummer

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." 

Driving Home

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall!

Baaaaam! They hit the wall. 

The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? 

Jim answered him: - It was you driving!

How to Beat the Meter Maids

1. Select your parking spot.

2. Park your car.

3. Get out of the car and lock it.

4. Head off to where you are going, and take your windshield wipers with you!

An Act of Kindness

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Dry Land

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

Speeding Ticket

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Bathroom Scale

My son noticed me standing on the bathroom scale, pulling in my rather ample belly.

Smart ass that he is, he said, "I don't think that's going to help much."

I said, "Sure it does.  How else can I see the numbers on the scale?"

My Daughter

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. 

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.  Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"

How Tall Is It?

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.

All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends.  He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams.  These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed.  When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:  "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"

Road Accident

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!"

Taking It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death.  He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.  So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.  "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."  The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.  St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.  Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

Barrel of Beer

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.

"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

Got Any Duck Food?

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?" to which the clerk replies "No"

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?" The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?" The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out." to which the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

The Train Journey

I was raised during the depression before World War II. In those days there was no such thing as non-stop cross-country air flights. If you wanted to go back east, the train was the only comfortable and reasonable way to go.

I remember when I was twelve years old. I had received all "A"s on my report card and my parents had promised that if I did well in school that year, I could spend the summer with my grandparents in Ohio.

So they got me a ticket on the Western Pacific for a trip from Los Angeles to Akron. Of course we could not afford a compartment or berth, so they purchased a ticket for the cheapest seat, on the caboose, the last car of the long passenger train.

I boarded the train and found an empty seat. A few minutes later, I was joined by an old man, at least in his fifties, very neatly and precisely dressed. He sat down in the seat directly across from me. The long trip started with only the two of us in the caboose car.

Across his knees he carried a briefcase upon which he nervously drummed his fingers. Since he looked to be rather an angry sort of man, I didn't want to start a conversation.

Presently, the man opened the briefcase and took out two paper napkins, a pocket knife and an apple. Carefully, he peeled and cored the apple. He placed all the peelings and the core on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and walked to the end of the coach. By craning my neck, I was able to watch him move out onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of peelings onto the tracks.

When the man returned he dusted his hands, sat down and lifted the briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled and cored apple, carefully cut it into thin slices, placed the slices onto the second napkin and made a similar neat parcel. To my amazement he then repeated his routine. He moved to the end of the coach and threw the parcel onto the tracks.

When he returned, he picked up his briefcase, took out two more napkins and an orange which he began to peel. He placed all the peelings on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and walked to the end of the coach. i watched him move onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of peel onto the tracks.

The man returned to his seat, dusted his hands, sat down and lifted the briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled orange, and carefully separated it into separate sections. Then he cut each section into three equally sized pieces being careful that the cuts were evenly placed. When he was finished, he carefully placed the slices onto the second napkin and made another neat parcel. He again got up, moved to the end of the coach and onto the little platform at the end of the car and threw the parcel of oranges onto the tract.

A little later, the man again opened his briefcase and took out two paper napkins and a banana. Carefully he peeled the banana. He placed the banana peel carefully on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and again walked to the end of the coach. As I watched, he moved onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of banana peel onto the tracts.

He then proceeded to sit down in his seat, pick up his briefcase and carefully place it on his lap. He removed the peeled banana picked up his knife and carefully cut it into thin slices. When this was completed, he carefully placed the banana slices onto the napkin, folded it carefully, got up and walked to the platform at the end of the care where he repeated his routine of throwing the parcel onto the tracks.

He returned to his seat, rested for a few minutes and then again picked up his briefcase and placed it onto his lap. This time he took out three napkins and unfolded them. He then took a bunch of green grapes out of his briefcase. He proceeded to remove each grape from its stem, being careful not to leave any remnants of the stem attached. He then proceeded to place all the stems carefully onto the napkin, fold the napkin into a neat parcel, get up and repeat his routine of throwing the parcel onto the tracks.

When he returned, He again picked up the briefcase and took out the grapes. He then proceeded to carefully peel each grape separately being careful that no part of the skin remained on any of the grapes. When he was finished, he placed all the peels onto the second napkin, and repeated his routine of throwing the peels, now wrapped into a neat parcel onto the tracts.

He returned to his seat, picked up his briefcase, placed it temporarily onto his lap, and removed the peeled grapes. He then proceeded to carefully cut each grape precisely in half. When this was done he neatly placed the cut grapes onto the third napkin, wrapped it into a small parcel and proceeded to get up, walk to the platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of grapes onto the tract.

He returned to his seat, sat back and thought for a few moments and then reached down, placed his briefcase on his lap and this time removed a large peach.

At last I could contain himself no longer and had to ask the man what he was doing.

"I'm making a fruit salad," said the man.

"Then why do you keep throwing it away?" I asked.

"I should think that was obvious," snapped the man, "I'm throwing it away because I don't like fruit salad!"

New York City

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."