Marylou

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name Marylou on it" she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I wanted to be sure to bet on" he explains.

She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later he is again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he says "What was that for?"

She says, "Your horse phoned."

Five

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day.

I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start "Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?" I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth."

Kentucky Horse

A jogger, running down a country road in West Virginia, is startled as a horse yells to him, "Hey! Come over here. Buddy!"

The jogger is stunned, and runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Upon hearing that this beast can actually speak, dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch.

The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

The farmer says, "Son, I know what you are thinking, but you can't believe everything you hear...

that horse has never even been to Kentucky!"

Races

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record.

"In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."