Teeth

As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:

• Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a dauntingtask. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
• Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
• If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
• Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
• Avoid patronizing dentists who received their degrees from the University Of Berlin Dental School between 1932 and 1945.
• To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
• Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
• Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
• Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
• If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
• If you wear dentures, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
• An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are so lazy that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.
• Dentists have built an entire industry on the perception that they and they alone can provide dental care. Come on, use your common sense.

Dentist

Dentist: "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient: "How much will this cost?"

Dentist: "It'll be $100."

Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

The Dentist Visit

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Cohen turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

Dental Hygenist

I took my family to the dentist for their routine examinations and cleanings. We're all sitting in the waiting room waiting for our turn. My wife went first, and then my children went. The waiting room is right next to the exam room and it's easy to hear what's being said in there. My youngest son in particular was very interested in listening to everything that he could.

Eventually it was my turn to see the dental hygienist. When I sat down I informed her that she had a lot to live up to.

She asked why and I told her my son said "a very smart lady had cleaned his teeth."

She was pleased, but wondered why he said that.

"Oh," I replied, "he went on and on about your intelligence. I did ask him why he formed that opinion and he said he heard everyone call you a Dental High Genius."