Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. 

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. 

St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. 

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven". 

“Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” 

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground. 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple". 

“OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here... Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”

Sunday Service

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.

One  little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat  down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Gone Swimming

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After he ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and  the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A Round of Golf

A Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...

When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..

But he does have witnesses... It seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..

"Look at that guy," Jesus says, "He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."

"No," God says, "I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."

He sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.

"What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"

"That's right, son, indeed it is... and because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

Professional Painter

A church congregation sent out requests to all the professional painters listed in their local Yellow Pages, requesting a bid on a price to repaint their church building. Almost all of the painters were within a few dollars of their competition, as expected, with the exception of one well-known, well-established, local company, which had been in business for years and had an excellent reputation in the community. This particular painter's bid was about half of what his competitions had bid, and naturally, was selected by the congregation to do the job.

On the morning the job began, the painter realized that he had underbid the job by 50%! Not wanting to lose the job, he decided to thin the paint out with water, so he would be able to complete the job for the price quoted.

One week later, he received a call from the priest, explaining that after the first rain, half of the paint had washed off the church. The painter returned, looked at the building, and sure enough, the job was ruined. He went inside to pray about the situation, knowing that his business' reputation was on the line. "What can I possibly do, Lord?" prayed the discouraged businessman.

Suddenly, God, in a loud voice from the altar replied, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

Just Like Jesus

One day an old Catholic Priest was dying. He sent a message for a doctor and lawyer, both members of his congregation, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, he held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed. Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, and smiled.

For a long time no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would want them with him during his final moments. He had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. His sermons in the past about greed and various other behavior had made them squirm in their seats many a time.

Finally the doctor asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come and see you at this time?"

The old man mustered up some strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves... and that's how I wanted to go."

Three Bad Nuns

There were these three nuns and they were tired of being good so they went to the priest and asked if they could be bad for one day. He said that they could do one thing wrong but they had to come straight back and tell him what they did.

The first nun comes back. "And what did you do wrong, Sister?"

"I took a doll baby away from a little girl and she cried and cried and cried."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

The Second nun comes back shortly afterwards.

"And what did you do wrong, Sister" he asks again.

"I took a shovel from a little boy in a sand box and he cried and cried and cried."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

Just then the third nun comes up to the priest and again he asks, "And what did you do wrong, Sister."

"I peed in the holy water."

The Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional and the following conversation ensues:

"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

Freudian Slip

One day there was a local Justice of the Peace sitting in church with a very worried and nervous look, and a priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The priest knew he should try to help, so he approached the justice and asked him what was wrong.

"Well" the Justice said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"

"No," said the Priest.

"Well" said the Justice, "It's when one slips and says something one is really thinking... often at the least opportune time."

"I see..." said the Priest, "and you have done this thing?"

"Well, this morning I performed a wedding... You know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'?"

"Yes?" said the second.

"Well that of course is what I meant to say, and what came out was, "I now sentence you to death."

Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has does."

Retirement

An elderly retired Marine moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men are at a premium.

After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women."

The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replied the priest."But it'll wipe that grin off your face.

Two Priests

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to let you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count,' St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan.

The End Is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Fishing Clergy

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing. "I'm thirsty," said the first. "I'm going to go get myself a Coke." So he gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and comes back with his Coke.

"Ooh, that looks good," said the second and he gets out of the boat. He walks across the water, gets his Coke, and comes back.

"You're right," said the third. "I think I'll get one too." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.

"Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

Charity

Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand dollars, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I sure would, Father."

The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

The priest said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."

Confession

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer.

In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Extremely Competitive Golfer

Pat, an Irishman with flaming red hair, is in a competitive match with Erin, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. Pat says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

Pat thinks the man is nuts and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

Pat says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Padraic O'Malley.

"Father Padraic O'Malley."

Catholic Sons

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

Match Made In Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! Crash! And they both died...

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?" "Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says." So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request.

Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again." And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was so handsome, and everyone was happy!

Until... Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce? Impossible! It took us ten years just to find a priest in Heaven!

Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a Lawyer?"

That Darn Candle

A couple desperate to have a baby went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"Next week I am going to Rome and while I am there I will light a candle for you," he replied.

Three years later the priest returned to his parish and went to the young couple's house to visit. He found the wife to be pregnant and busy attending to two sets of twins. The priest felt very elated and asked the girl where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He has gone away for a while," came the harried reply.

"Where has he gone?" asked the priest.

She replied," To Rome, to blow the darn candle out!"