The Rules Of Chocolate

1. If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. 
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. 
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
8. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
9. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
10. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? 
Because no one wants to quit.
11. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
12. Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
13. Happy Easter! 

Reasons I Still Believe In The Easter Bunny

1. Hey, I watch television. Every year, he's there clucking in the Cadbury egg commercials.
2. Who do you think delivers all the baskets and stuff, the little chicks? Doubtful.
3. When I was six, I saw a bunny at the scene of the crime. He put his finger aside his nose, and up the chimney he rose.
4. It was a little cafe somewhere in France, I was young, and yes, I believed everything he told me.
5. Someone is posing for those chocolate rabbit molds, and I think you're thinking what I'm thinking.
6. Who else has time to color all those eggs? Not me, Jack.
7. Yeah, and Peter Rabbit didn't think Mr. McGregor was going to catch him in the cabbage patch either -- get with the times.
8. I had a pet rabbit in the 4th grade, and he told me it was all true.
9. Once, I put a tooth under my pillow, and in the morning I had a marshmallow Easter egg.
10. Someone has to believe in the Easter bunny.

Lesson To Be Learned With Four Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

• The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
• The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
• The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
• The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

• First worm in alcohol? Dead.
• Second worm in cigarette smoke? Dead.
• Third worm in chocolate syrup? Dead.
• Fourth worm in good clean soil? Dead.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Marge was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."

That pretty much ended the service.