Saleslady

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery sales person."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

"She sells C-cells by the sea shore."

Skeleton In The Closet

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decide that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

First Camping Trip

Little Johnny was on his first camping trip with his father and uncle. While the two men set up camp, Johnny went for a hike in the woods.

Not more than fifteen minutes later, he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.

"What happened?" asked Johnny's dad.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Johnny.

They two men laughed and his uncle said, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Little Johnny, "If he can make you jump off a fifty foot cliff, he is!"

Your Paycheck

Understanding Your Paycheck:

Gross pay: $1222.02

Income Tax: $244.40

Outgo Tax: $45.21

State Tax: $61.10

Interstate Tax: $5.89

County Tax: $6.11

City Tax: $12.22

Rural Tax: $4.44

Back Tax: $1.11

Front Tax: $1.16

Side Tax: $1.61

Up Tax: $2.22

Down Tax: $1.11

Knickknack Tax: $1.98

Hackensack Tax: $3.93

Thumb Tax: $0.98

Carpet Tax: $0.69

Snack Tax: $8.32

Surtax: $3.46

Ma'am Tax: $3.46

Parking Fee: $5.00

No Parking Fee: $10.00

F.I.C.A.: $81.88

T.G.I.F: $9.95

Life Insurance: $5.85

Health Insurance: $16.23

Disability Insurance: $2.50

Ability Insurance: $0.25

Liability Insurance: $3.41

Dental Insurance: $4.50

Mental Insurance: $4.33

Fundamental Insurance: $0.11

Coffee: $6.85

Coffee Cups: $66.51

Calendar Rental: $3.06

Floor Rental: $16.85

Chair Rental: $4.32

Desk Rental: $4.32

Union Dues: $5.85

Union Don'ts: $3.77

Cash Advances: $0.69

Cash Retreats: $121.35

Overtime: $1.26

Undertime: $54.83

Eastern Time: $9.00

Central Time: $8.00

Mountain Time: $7.00

Pacific Time: $6.00

Daylight Savings Time: $4.44

Time Out: $12.21

Oxygen Tax: $10.22

Water Tax: $16.54

Electricity Tax: $38.23

Heat Tax: $51.42

Air Conditioning Tax: $46.83

Miscellaneous Tax: $169.04

Total Take Home Pay = $0.02

This is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from.

Carrying A Flashlight

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

Moving Violation

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied...

"Tacks evasion."

Conducting A Music Class

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

The DNA Man

Professor Jacques Bacque was a most notable scientist and his chosen field of study was genetics. He knew his DNA forwards and backwards.

Professor Bacque was the foremost predictor of births in the world. He would simply take some liquid from the mother's womb, test the DNA structure, and tell the parents to be the sex of their child.

He was often called upon to give testimony and to act as an expert witness in criminal cases where the validity of the DNA was at issue, or where genetics played a part. In fact he would have been called to testify in the O.J. Simpson trial had he not been so occupied with other matters. His clinic was overflowing. People came to him by the hundreds and thousands to determine the sex of their unborn child.

They also came because he had developed the method of predicting what serious diseases a person would be prone to in later life and how to prevent the contracting of such disease.

Because of the many, many clients he and his staff serviced, and the thousands of samples that he collected or where sent to him, he needed a facility for storage as well as for servicing clients. One never knew when some sample he had in stock would become useful, so he constructed a huge warehouse to store the DNA material and genes that he had collected. The structure that he had built was a beautiful clinic and storage facility and being somewhat of an odd ball, he built his facility in a remote, out-of-the-way portion of the state.

He built the building in the shape of DNA itself, as a double helix. And in front of this magnificent building, he erected a huge statue of himself.

The building was so stunning and different that visitors and tourists would drive miles out of their way just to see the building and statue.

They would stop in front of the attraction and gawk for hours, and when they asked the local townsfolk, What is that?" the answer always came back, "Oh! That's just Bacque and the gene stock.

Vet's Automated Telephone System

Welcome to ACME Vet's Automated Telephone System!

To make an appointment please press 1.

To tell us your life history as well as your pet's before making your appointment please press 2.

To speak directly to a doctor press 3.

If you feel your pet's condition warrants pulling a doctor away from the patient he/she is currently seeing or operating on press 4.

For a listing of the doctor's home telephone number, pager number and cell phone number, please press 5.

To schedule emergency after hours surgery press 6.

If your regular vet is on vacation press 7.

If your pet's condition has persisted for 2-6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and he needs to be seen this evening (after 6 PM) please press 8.

For a toenail trim on your 100-lb aggressive dog, press 9.

If it is before 7am or after 7pm, please press 10 for our treatment technician's home phone number.

If you would like us to hold a check for you until the following month please press 11.

If you would like us to post date a previously held post dated check press 12.

If you would like us to mail back your post dated check so that you can send us one for less money, or to make other payment arrangements, please press 13 for our office manager.

Also, press 13 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and bloody diarrhea and you have $10 in your pocket.

If you have been on hold for 10 minutes press 14.

If you have been on hold for 20 minutes press 15.

If you have been on hold for 30 minutes press 16 for the receptionist.

If you are under stress and need to project your anger at someone, press 17 for a receptionist.

To determine if your pet's condition (i.e. hit by car, grand mal seizures, or unconscious) is serious and it needs to be seen today, press 18. Our team of experts are standing by waiting to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes.

If your animal has not eaten in 10 days press 19.

If you have accidentally taken your animal's flea control pill or heart worm medicine press 20.

If your reptile (snake, Savannah monitor, iguana, chameleon, etc.) has been living in a dark, 30 degree room and has not eaten in 60 days press 21.

If you have a 200+ lb.. pot-bellied pig or other large farm animal please press 22 for drive through surgery service.

If you live in a rural area and your "rock walder gots the mange" press 23.

If your initials are sq. or you just want to talk press 24 and our receptionist will set up a private home appointment for you with a vet.

If your mouse was eaten by your snake, your snake killed by your cat, your cat attacked by your dog, and your dog was kicked by your goat please press 25.

None of these numbers will give you a real person, but they'll take your mind off your problems for awhile.

Our automated telephone service allows us to serve your pet's needs 24 hours a day 7 days a week!

The Vet's Doctor

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him.

"Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

An Appendectomy

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure do! Twenty seven hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

What Kids Will Say

A young girl's folks had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the little girl at the door, that her parents had forgotten something...

"Please, Mrs. Johnston," said the girl, "may I look at your living room rug?"

The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jennie. Come on in. It's right over here."

The little girl stared at the rug for several minutes. Then she turned to its owner and said unabashedly, "Well, It doesn't make me sick."

Grandma's Revenge

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied... "I remember."

The Lecture

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Extremely Competitive Golfer

Pat, an Irishman with flaming red hair, is in a competitive match with Erin, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. Pat says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

Pat thinks the man is nuts and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

Pat says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Padraic O'Malley.

"Father Padraic O'Malley."

Poisonous Snakes?

Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when the first little snake turned to the second little snake and asked, "Are we poisonous?"

"Why?" asked the second little snake, to which the first little snake replied,

"Because I just bit my lip!"

Rye Bread

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.

He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

If You Give A Mom A Muffin

If you give a mom a muffin,

She'll want a cup of coffee to go with it.

She'll pour herself some.

Her three-year-old will spill the coffee.

She'll wipe it up.

Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks.

She'll remember she has to do laundry.

When she puts the laundry in the washer,

She'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer.

Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper.

She will get out a pound of hamburger.

She'll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger.)

The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.

She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.

She will look for her checkbook.

The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old.

She'll smell something funny.

She'll change the two-year-old.

While she is changing the two-year-old the phone will ring.

Her five-year-old will answer and hang up.

She'll remember that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee.

Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.

She will pour herself some.

And chances are,

If she has a cup of coffee,

Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

Daughter's Doctor Visit

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again."

Coffee Prayer

Coffee Prayer

Caffeine is my shepherd;

I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures:

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz:

It leadeth me in the paths of

consciousness for its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of addiction,

I will fear no Equal™:

For thou art with me;

thy cream and thy sugar

they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me

in the presence of The Starbucks®:

Thou anointest my day with pep;

my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me

all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the House of Juan Valdez forever.

Amen

Catholic Sons

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

Real Automation

A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar."

No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off.

"Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you!"

Drive Thru Coffee

I pulled up to the drive thru of a fast food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

This Is Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

The Only Woman

Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him. "You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.

"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."

Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked Eve.

"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."

In The Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

Match Made In Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! Crash! And they both died...

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?" "Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says." So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request.

Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again." And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was so handsome, and everyone was happy!

Until... Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce? Impossible! It took us ten years just to find a priest in Heaven!

Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a Lawyer?"

The Seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

Entry Into Heaven

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission

to Heaven. Saint Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped

kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter said, "A worthy calling, please enter the Kingdom."

The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."

Saint Peter smiled and invited him in also.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped

people get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You may come in, too." But, as the HMO manager walked by, St.

Peter added, "Present this form to the third clerk on the left. You can stay

three days. After that, as I'm certain you will understand, you must leave our

facility and go to Hell."

Excited About Upcoming Marriage

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

Jacob: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."