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Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts

Friday, July 30, 2010

Telling The Truth

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Practical Gift

My Wife decided that our 10 year old son should get something "practical" for his birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

My son was delighted.

"It's your account," she said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

He was doing fine until he came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, he put down "Piggy."

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Overdue Bill

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Darth And Luke

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats. Lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for your birthday, Luke," he said

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach.

"How do you know?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for my birthday!?"

Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "I felt your presents."

Monday, November 30, 2009

How To Live To Be 100

It was Grandpa John's 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained. "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75 years."

"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.

"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made a solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

Birthday Present

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

For Her Birthday

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

I'd love to be six again, she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local amusement park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was. Wow! Six hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Birthday Celebration

"Look at me!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit ups before a group of young people.

"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow... tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 90th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

Blonde Interview

A Blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

She bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead, "I was just running through that song, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear..."