Give A Man A Fish

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you've fed him for a lifetime...

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach that man to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks.

Give a man a fish and he you feed him for a day...

Teach that man how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Give a man a fish, he owes you one fish...

Teach a man to fish, you give up your monopoly on fisheries.

Teach a man to fish and you can sell him a ton of accessories.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you've fed him for a lifetime...

Unless, of course, he doesn't like sushi...

Then you need to teach him to cook as well.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and he'll be dead of mercury poisoning within three years.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and he'll get drunk then fall out of his boat and drown.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you've fed him for a lifetime...

Give a man some fire and he'll be warm for a day...

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and he'll over fish, cause famine in the next three regions and pollute the atmosphere with his fish.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man religion and he will starve to death praying for a fish.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you can get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you've fed him for a lifetime...

Enlighten him further and he owns a chain of seafood restaurants.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you will not have to listen to his whining about how hungry he is.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you can sell him fishing equipment.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to fish and you've fed him for a lifetime...

Teach a man to sell fish and he eats steak.

Give a man a fish and you'll be sleeping on the couch again.

Give a man a fish and he'll wonder what you want from him.

Coat Hanger

One rainy evening, my wife and I left a restaurant only to find that she had locked the keys in the car. She insisted that she could open the door if only she had a wire coat hanger. We went back to the restaurant to see if they had one, but they didn't.

We ran to a clothing store down the block and they did have a coat hanger for us. Returning to the car, she bent the hanger, pushed it behind the window and after a few attempts she was able to get the door unlocked.

We climbed into the car, wet and cold, but still happy that she got the door open and we'd finally be able to leave. She put the hanger under her front seat, smiled and said "Now if that ever happens again I'll be prepared."

Receptionist

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a very large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!"

Tough Puppy

A little timid man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which one of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Tupperware Party

One evening after dinner, a five year old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime...

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"

Senior's Physical

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

Several weeks later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Nighttime Snack

Two bats were hanging up side down at 2.00 am in the morning. One of the bats woke up and whacked his mate in the wing and asked him if he would like to go and get some blood, in which the other bat replied "Are you crazy? Where the heck are we going to get blood at this hour of the morning?" The first bat said "I know just the place, come and I'll promise you I will find us some blood!" The 2nd bat simply refused, so the first took off to find his blood.

About an hour later the bat came back with blood dribbling out of his mouth covering his body and wings. The bat that didn't go said "You lucky bat, where the heck did you find blood at this hour of the morning?" to which the first replied "Do you see that tree over there?"

"Yeah, sort of" he replied.

"Well, I didn't!"

Pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the big pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Hearing Aid

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They start at $2.00 and go up to $2,000 for our best model."

"Let's see the $2.00 model" he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket" he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "but when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

At the Pearly Gates

A man appears before the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing..." the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang of tough bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I went up to the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked over his Harley, ripped out his nose right and told him 'Leave her alone or your'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago..."

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his mother about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. "The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my wife interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Mom, it was the 20,000 leaks!"