The Boss of Me

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage...

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Calling His Employee

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

Get Out!

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"

The young man replied, "Twelve hundred dollars a week."

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off 12, hundred dollar bills and shouted at the young man: "Here is a week's pay. Now get out and don't come back!"

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

"Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked for us?"

"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager, "He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."

Pregnant

A lovely young single girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition; marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying.

As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "Mama, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her.

The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "You!," she shouted, "What's it going to be?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand, "Please take a seat, Mrs. Howard. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week."

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"

Doing The Wrong Job

My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. I asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?"

"What's that got to do with it?" I asked. "Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

Excuse For Being Late

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Give Me A Raise

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

What Is Intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, intelligence?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" asked the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."