Airplane Ride

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars." 

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands. 

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." 

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."  

Airplanes and Women

1.  Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time. 

2.  Airplanes can be turned on by the flick of a switch. 

3.  Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go." 

4.  Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection. 

5.  Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation. 

6.  Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations. 

7.  Airplanes don't come with in-laws. 

8.  Airplanes don't care about  how many other airplanes you've flown  before. 

9.  Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. 

10. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

11. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines. 

12. Airplanes expect to be tied down. 

13. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills. 

14. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. 

15.  However, when airplanes goes quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Safe Plane Flight

Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, "Have a safe trip." Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do! Go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what? I feel I'm doing my part by not going up to the cockpit every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?"

Homework Paper

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss Feldman, asked, "What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not homework again..."

"Well, uh, yes it is, mam" replied Little Benny. "I made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Benny, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," Miss Feldman said, "but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but it's worse than that..." replied Little Benny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked!

Something Religious

The pastor of a church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could... I don't know... do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

Rules Of The Air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

Your Don't Know Shit

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

Ears Popping

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

Airline Trouble

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to economy because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the economy section.

The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.

The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

Night Flight

A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first night time flight. He wanted to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field to land, instead of making the usual official requests to the tower, he just said: "Guess who?"

Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field lights and said: "Guess where..."

Too Slow

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry. The truck was late in arriving and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Thule, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

Flying With An Agitated Child

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Flight To New York

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

Aviation 101

Here are a few of the lessons you'll learn when taking Aviation 101:

• It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
• Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
• Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller (Unless you keep pulling the stick back, then they get bigger again.)
• The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop. Then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
• The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• Every one already knows that the definition of a "good" landing is one from which you can walk away from, but very few know the definition of a "great landing." A great landing is one after which you can use the airplane another time.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
• Keep looking around, there's always something you've missed.
• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
• Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
• Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
• Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• Always remember, you're always a student in an airplane.