Most Powerful Animal

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fast, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...

hawk, lion, and stinker.

Motivation

My son spends way too much time playing computer games. In order to motivate my son into spending more attention on his schoolwork, I told him "when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by candle light."

He looked up from his computer game and told me "when Lincoln was your age, he was President of The United States."

A Few

• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
• The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Needs A Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 AM by a loud pounding on their front door. The man struggles out of bed and goes to the door, opens it, and finds an obviously drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.

Almost snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk,

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"Would you give me a push?" the drunk slurs.

"Are you crazy? Not a chance," the husband answers. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" and slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asked the wife, not helping the situation in the least.

"Some drunk asking for a push," he mumbles.

"Did you help him?" the wife asks.

Now teetering on the edge of exploding, he says, "No! I didn't help him. It's three in the morning and raining like heck outside."

"Well, you've got a very short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember when we were on the way to a party and those two guys helped us? I think you should help this poor man!"

Now wide awake and knowing he'll be unable to go back to sleep, the husband mumbles under his breath, gets dressed, and stands on the front steps in the driving rain.

"Hey, are you still out there?"

"Yeah," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" asks the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Unable to see anything or anyone in the dark, the husband says, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here. On the swing".

Swatting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one."

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Lost Handbag

A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young boy found it and returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy replied, "That is funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Too Much to Drink

Late in the evening an officer noticed a man leaving a bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

The Harley Mechanic

A mechanic was busy removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in the shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike.

The mechanic, while still working on the engine, said, "Hey, doc. Can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the bench the fellow was working at, and shook his head indicating yes.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "Doc, look at this engine. I open it up to get at its innards, take out pistons, valves, rods, most all inside parts, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it runs just like new. Why do I get such a small salary as compared to you when you and I do basically the same type of work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Close Shave

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Shoplifting

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

How to Bathe the Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe the cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place the cat in the toilet, close both lids and step on top so he can't escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore the ruckus from inside the toilet, the cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open an outside door, stand as far from the toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Snow White's Prints

Snow White took some photos of the Dwarfs and their home. She took the film to the local drug store to be developed and to get some prints made. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

The clerk said that the photos weren't back from the processor yet.

Needless to say she was very disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said "Don't worry Miss White. Someday your prints will come."

The New Car

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic. He would probably have settled on just about any truck, even a used, beat up one, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look." she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

The Gas Cap

A friend filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he might have left the gas cap on top of the gas pump. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it wasn't there.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must do the same thing, and that it wasn't worth going back to the original gas station but to just ask at the next gas station he came to if anyone had left behind a gas cap.

At the next gas station he came to he asked the attendant if anyone had left any gas caps behind. The attendant smiled, produced a box from under the counter and said he could help himself to any gas cap he liked. Obviously many others had forgotten their gas caps.

He looked through the box and took one that looked like it would fit. He tried it on and it went into place with a satisfying click. He thanked the attendant and went on his way.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."

A Cat Died and Went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept rough. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

St. Peter said, "Say no more," and instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow to sleep on.

A few days later six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. St. Peter met the mice at the gates with the same offer that he'd made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we've had to run and hide all our lives from cats, dogs, owls, and even people! If we could have some little roller skates, we wouldn't have to run again."

St. Peter answered, "It is done," and all the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, St. Peter decided to look in on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. St. Peter gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, everything is wonderful. I have never been so happy. The pillow is so fluffy, and...those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!

Praise The Lord

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, "Praise the Lord!" The atheist yells back, "There is no God."

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord."

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there are the groceries she's asked for. Of course she says, "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Hah. There is no God. I bought those groceries."

The lady looks at him and smiles. She says, "Praise the Lord! Not only did you provide for me Lord, but you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

Crazy Drivers

As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his cell phone rang. Answering it, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.

"Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 17. Please be careful!"

"Darn," said Harold, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who are homosexual, or who happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Colors

As my granddaughter learned her colors, I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Don't Take Life Too Seriously

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like... Night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• 43.6 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• Remember, 1/2 the people you know are below average.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
• Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
• Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
• How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
• Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
• Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Secrets For A Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

Airline Problems

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained.

"Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger.

"Not exactly." replied the stewardess, "It just took us a bit to get a new pilot here."

Answering Machine Message

"I am not available right now,

but thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call,

you are one of the changes."

Late School Bus

After he finished his route, a school bus driver had to explain to the supervisor why he was 10 minutes late...

"I was stuck behind a big truck," said the driver.

"Okay. But yesterday you were 10 minutes early!" reminded the boss.

"Yeah," replied the bus driver. "But yesterday I was stuck behind a Porsche!"

Forgiveness

A preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

"I don't have any."

"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?

"Ninety seven."

"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety seven and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."

My Workout

Let me tell you about a secret I've discovered for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen, 3 days a week, if you would like.

I start by standing outside behind my house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a while I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

This was real work, but the results were worth it!

Next week, I'll start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level."

Management Training

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Scotland Vs. England

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning." said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."