Scotland Vs. England

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Fourth Of July

The Fourth of July is one of the most important American national holidays.

A few years ago, a group of Friends (Quakers) were holding an international seminar on Orcas Island, one of the San Juan Islands of northwest Washington.

One British friend said, "You Americans call it Independence Day. We British prefer the term Good Riddance Day."

Two Tunnels For The Price Of One

When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates ran in the hundreds of millions of pounds. One firm (Two Blokes LTD) asked only 100,000 pounds.

"Considering equipment and labor costs," the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?"

"It's simple," the contractor replied. "My partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and starts digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England. We dig until we meet, and you've got a tunnel!"

"But what if you never meet?"

"Then you've got two tunnels, for the price of one."

Prisoner Of War

During World War II, a British pilot was shot down while on a bombing mission over Germany. He sustained terrible injuries when he crash landed, but he was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a German military hospital to recover. When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was at his bedside. "Major Howe," said the doctor, "The injuries that you received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed so badly, we have to amputate it immediately. I realize how terrible this must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do anything to comfort you, please don't hesitate to ask."

"Well Doctor," replied Major Howe, "There is something that you can do for me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it over England during their next bombing mission. I sure would feel better if my leg wound up in good old England."

"I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done." So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German officer with instructions to drop it over England.

Unfortunately, two days later the doctor had to give Major Howe some more bad news. "Major Howe," said the doctor. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on your left leg, and it too must be amputated. Any requests?"

"Yes," he replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?" "Ya," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave the Brit's leg to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before. One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major. "Major Howe," said the doctor, "We have done everything in our power to save your two arms, but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that..."

"Yes," interrupted the Major, "If you would be so kind, old boy, please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England."

The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the same German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England. This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on speaking with the British pilot.

"So," said the German officer, "You are the pilot who wanted his right leg dropped over England?"

"Yes," replied Major Howe. "That is jolly well correct."

"Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?"

"Yes," replied the Major. "That is correct as well."

"And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?"

"Correct again," replied the Major.

"Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer. "Tell me something Major, you're not trying to escape, are you?"

Magna Carta

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"