Cannibals

A group of cannibals are hired for programming.

Their manager told them, you are doing good work, but please, don't touch your colleagues and eat them. We have a canteen, you can eat there. Ok, so the cannibals promised.

After six weeks, the manager spoke to them again: Ok we are satisfied with your work and everything, and you are behaving very well. By the way, we are missing a cleaning woman, has somebody touched her?

The cannibals denied.

After he left, the chief of the cannibals asks " Who is the idiot who ate that cleaning women?"

One of the cannibals admitted that he did.

"Are you out of your mind? For six weeks now we have been eating VP's and Senior managers and nobody is taking notice. How can you be so stupid as to eat a working person?"

Bargain Clothes

Bubba and Billy Ray are from Arkansas visiting a relative in Texas. Walking along Sam Houston Street, they see a sign which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ....."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

Fishing Clergy

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing. "I'm thirsty," said the first. "I'm going to go get myself a Coke." So he gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and comes back with his Coke.

"Ooh, that looks good," said the second and he gets out of the boat. He walks across the water, gets his Coke, and comes back.

"You're right," said the third. "I think I'll get one too." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.

"Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

Doctor's Diagnosis

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"

Proud Mothers

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

Drunk Driving

A minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says,

"Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister answers, "Just water, officer."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

The Difference Between Men And Women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. . . To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:

Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was... let's see... August when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 65 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that, dear readers, is the difference between men and women!

I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Some Things We Learn From Movies

• It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Which Course?

A doctor who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his receptionist to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles."

One Tough Hold

A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that just out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL. He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: WAIT... STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING. So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again: TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING. He did.

Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again: PUT THE OLD BALL BACK.

Chances

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

Computers

The United States has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question:

Attack or Retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and a half and then comes up with the answer:

YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:

Yes what?

Instantly the computer responded:

YES SIR.

A Job In The Zoo

Harry starts his new job at the zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. Harry starts on this when suddenly a great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death.

Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. Harry gets in and a couple of chimps start throwing mud at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is worried now, so what does he do? he feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and asks 'what's the food like here?'

The other lion responds, "Absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees!"

American Football

A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What do you mean?"

"All they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"

Columbus Returns

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?"

One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time."

Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."

Old Lady In The Park

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me. Isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

You Play Golf?

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, all things considered. I've had some problems lately and they've affected my swing, but I think I've got that going right again."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger asks, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

All My Children

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"Wow!" the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the oldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they all named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes. It makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

Praying

In Jerusalem, a CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, each day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims". I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a friggin' wall."

Escaped

Three men escape from prison. The first tells the others that the security will soon be looking for them.

So, he suggests that each one of them climb a tree, and when the guards come, to make animal sounds and hopefully they will move on.

All agree, and they all climb into different trees and try to hide.

A while later, security guards arrive and began searching. They thought they saw something in the first man's tree, so they shine their flashlight into the branches and say "Anyone up there?"

"Tweet, Tweet" comes from the tree.

The guards says "Oh, it's only a bird!, move on."

The guards then look into another tree and says "Anyone up there?"

The second man replies "Whhoo, Whhoo"

"Ah! It's only an owl!, lets go!"

The guards proceed to look at the next tree, and ask "I wonder if one of the prisoners is up there?" Shining the flashlight, they listened intently...

"Moooooooo!"

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall...

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

The Assignment

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Did You Hear About The...

• Paper company that folded?
• Bra manufacturers that went bust?
• Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
• Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
• Baker who was short of dough?
• Refrigerator manufacturer that had its assets frozen?
• Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
• Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
• Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
• Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
• Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
• Train company that went off the rails?
• Ship building company that sunk?
• Dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?

An Apology

On her way back from the concession stand, Sally asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot before?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

The woman nodded. "Oh good. Then this is my row."

Doctor's Fee

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

For A Dollar

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit, it was a pretty good show for a dollar."

In The Bible

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time. The Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this. If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament.

Family Stress Test

How to score:

0 if the statement is never true.

1 if it is rarely true.

2 if it is sometimes true.

3 if it is always true.

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk."
2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ The cat is on Valium.
4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
7. ___ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ___ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
10. ___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.

How you rate:

30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

The Truth

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes Sir", answered the boy.

"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"

"My father, Sir." said the boy.

"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.

"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

Problem With Teenagers

The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found in only their underwear, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square.

The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.

Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."

"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

Politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Step Back, I Know First-Aid

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside.

"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder.

"Pardon me, Sir." she said. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

Short Ones

Q. What did Hitler use to tie his shoes?

A. Little Knotsies.

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A. A fsh.

Q. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Nun.

Q. How many real estate agents does to take to change a light bulb?

A. Ten, but we'll accept eight.

Q. How many surreal artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. A fish.

The Baby's Name

When little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

The Conclusive, Definitive, Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List

Air-Quality Monitor: Carmine Dioxide

Airline Reservation Manager: Will Price Randomly

Art Critic: Phyllis Steen

Assertiveness Training Coach: Lois Steem

Assistant Customer Care Representive: Kurt Reply

Asst. Directors of Computer Services: Sy Burnett and Sy Quest

Assistant Director of Moral Support: Hugo Gurll

Asst. Fleet Manager: Lisa Carr

Asst. Transportation Coordinator: Orson Buggy

Attorney General: Janet Torino

Attorney General for Tobacco Settlements: Hubert H. Humvee II

Auto-Body Expert: James Bondo

Automotive Finishes Consultant: Rusty Steele

Automotive Medical Researcher: Dr. Denton Fender

Automotive Registrar: Megan Model

Behavior Consultant: Wyatt B. Hoovesia

Bathroom Tile Installer: Lotta Bullnose

Blues Coordinator: Mahamadan Ptolemy

British Cutlery Specialist: Sir Irving Spoon

British Doorman: Isaiah Olchap

Boston Funeral Director: Hadley Newham

Boston Traffic Director: Laura Biden

Butler in Car Talk's Scotland Division: Angus MacCoatup

Broadcast Philosopher: Phillip Airtime

Car Talk Bouncer: Euripedes Ibreakayourface

Car Talk Opera Critic:Barbara Seville

Celebrity Consultants: Richard Gere-Oil, Mick Jaguar

Chairman, Federal Lubrication Board: Alan Greasepan

Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff: John Shall-I-Pop-a-Wheelie

Chairman, Math Department: Horatio Algebra

Chairman, Oral History Department: Ira Caull

Chairman, Staff Physics Department: Victor Analysis

Chairman, Underemployment Study Group: Art Majors

Chief Justice: Judge Mental

Chief Legal Counsel: Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham Howe

Chief of Stadium Seating for the Olympics: Wayne Back

Chief of Tire Technology: Yessir Itsaflat

Child Development Expert: Dr. Benjamin Spark

Co-Chairmen of Apathy Study Group: Ben Thayer, Don Thatt

Collision Repair Specialist: Jesse "The Body Shop" Ventura

Communications Director: George Stayontopothis

Conductor Emeritus, Tappet Symphony Orchestra: Sludgy Ozawa

Conductor, Tappet Brothers Symphony Orchestra: Philip Harmonic

Congressional Lobbyists: OrrinHatchback, Dan Rustencarski, Paul Simonize, B. F. Gingrich

Conservative Political Commentator: Eileen Tudor-Wright

Coordinator, 12-Step Recovery Program: Cody Pendant

Copyright Attorney: Pat Pending

Corporate Spokesperson: Hugh Lyon Sack

Curator of Tom's Car Collection: Rex Galore

Customer Car Care Representative: Haywood Jabuzoff

Defense Dept. Consultant: Major Error

Dental Hygienist: Ginger Vitis

Designer of Our Casual Clothing Line: Noh Tie, Woo!

Director of Automotive Security: Boris Karlarm

Director, Automotive Recycling Center: Ricardo Dismantleban

Director of Jamaican Baseball Operations: Reggae Jackson

Director of Catering: Russell Upsumgrub

Director of Cadillac Steering: Toulouse Toutrack

Director of Cold Weather Starting: Martina Neverturnover

Director of Moral Support: Hugh DeMann

Director of Computer Diagnostics: Gus O'Genn

Director of Computer Services: Dot Matrix

Director of Congressional Funding: Fred Knott

Director of Country Music: Stan Beyerman

Director of Delicate Electronics Repair: Anita Hammer

Director of Desert Food Supplies: Sandy Berger

Director of E-mail Responses: Peggy Flaming

Director of Gender Studies: Amanda B. Reckondwyth

Director of High-Speed Impact Studies: Ricardo Montana-Bahn

Director of Italian Traffic Enforcement: Noah U. Turna

Director of Intensive Care Unit: Picabo Street

Director of Listener Support: Noah Fundrive

Director of Lubrication: Olive Presser

Director of Long-Range Strategic Planning: Kay Sera

Director of New Product Repair: Warren T. Mifutt

Director of Nutritional Supplements: Rose Hips

Director of Pedestrian Operations: Carless Castenada

Director of Photography: Len Scapon

Director of Pollution Control: Maury Missions

Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder

Director of Speed Bumps: Slow-Me-Down Milosevic

Director of Sports Information: Linus Scrimmage

Director of Monopoly Policy: Juan Moorehouse

Director of Staff Pay Increases: Xavier Breath & Tony Von Thinkett

Director of The Car Talk Psychic Network: La Toyota Jackson

Director of Unsolicited Advice: H. Ross Peugeot

Director of Upward Mobility in Eastern Europe: Zbigniew

Chrysler Director of Warm-Weather Programming: Sumner Reruns

Document Security Expert from Jamaica: Euripedes Upmann

East Asian Used Car Expert: Alexander Soldyernissan

Electronics Technician: Sammy Conductor

Elocution Coach: Dick Shun

Emissions Tester: Justin Hale VII

Engine Cooling Systems Manager: Jean Claude Air Damme

Evasive Driving Instructor: Vera Bruptly

Fact Checker: Ella Fynoe

Fashion Consultant: Natalie Attired

Financial Forecaster: Lou Gubrious

Fleet Manager: Oscar de la Rental

French Automotive Liason: Maurice Chevrolet

German Interpreter: Axel Hausen

Graduation Coordinators: Val and Dick Torian

Grammar Consultant: I.M. Shirley Wright

Head of Bldgs. & Grounds: Moe D'Lawn

Head of Personal Security: C. Howie Run

Head of Security: Barb Dwyer

Heads of Parts Dept: Al Lloyd Wheel, Constance Velocity

Head of Used Car Purchasing: Ewell B. Hoffinett

Horsepower Consultant: Mr. Ed

Inventory Manager: Mandalit Del Bar-Code

Italian Governess; Donna Day Evvalurn

International Lubrication Experts: C.V. Boutro Boutros Gali and Fidel Castrol

Jazz Music Coordinator: Bertha Deblues

Keeper of Bell Tower (Hatchback of Notre Dame): Quasi Automotive

Latin American Trade Representative: Noah Comprenday

Leader of The Former Peugeot Dealers of America Support Group: Eustace L. Emmons

Libel Defense Director in Tokyo: Sosumi Areti

Leo Tolstoy biographer: Warren Peace

Liaison Officer to Volvo & Renault: Bjorne Toulouse

Lighting Expert : Shanda Lear

Literary Critics: Ernest & Julio Hemingway

Manager of Automotive Accessories: Francis Ford Cupholda

Manager of Car Talk Capital Depreciation Fund: Les Ismore

Manager of Cartalk.Com: Cy Burnett

Manager of Employee Refrigerator: Carmen Dating

Manager of the Weekly Shrimp Buffet: Sheldon Deveigned

Marriage Counselor: Marion Haste

Montana Traffic Law Director: Hugh Jim Bissell

Mortgage Loan Consultant: Nora Lenderbee

Nutrition Consultants: Eaton Wright and Liven Good

Parking Attendant: Rick O'Shea

Personal Trainer: Jim Shortz

Photographer:F. Stop Fitzgerald

Poet Laureate: Robert Defrost

Pre-show Caterers: Giardia Brothers

President, Car Talk Hair Club for Men: Emerson Fittibaldie

Producer's Office, Furnished by: Rick Kleiner

Proprietor of Car Talk's men clothing store: Euripedes, Eumenedes

Public Opinion Pollster: Paul Murky of Murky Research

Ratings Analysis Specialist: Rita Menweip

Regional Director, Atlanta: Frank Lee Scarlett

Repair Cost Consultant: Bill M. Moore

Safety Officers: Mort & Fay Tality

Sales Motivation Coach: Norman Vincent Pealeout

Seating Consultant: Rush Lumbar

Secretary of Pain Relief: Les Aspirin

Secretary of Halogen Headlamps:Made-A-Lane Allbright

Secretary of Photographic Reproduction: Fresh Prince

Sexual Harrassment Intervention Counselor: Pat McCann

Singing Urologist: Urethra Franklin

Soloists: Kerry Oki, Victor Yugo

Speech Pathologist: Peter Aftermey

Spiritual Counselor;Miss Dolly Lama

Staff Author: Four-Doo Dostoevski

Staff Bikini Waxer: Harry Mouval

Staff Butler, from the Car Talk Bombay Division: Mahatma Coat

Staff Bouncer: Euripedes Ibrakauface

Staff Carburetor Expert: Leslie Stahl

Staff Cardiologist: Angie O'Plasty

Staff Cat Feeder: Ken Opener

Staff Chaplain: Neil Down

Staff Child Seat Tester: Drew Lee Weiner

Staff Chiropractor: Winston Paine

Staff Composers: Gustav Muffler, Bela Cartok

Staff Cooks: Al Dente, Sal Monella

Staff Disciplinarian:Les Stern

Staff Dramatist: Anton Chokeov

Staff Geneticist: Dr. Jean Poole

Staff Gossip Columnist: Bud Inski

Staff Grief Counselor: Ariel Bummerman

Staff Meteorologist: Gail Storm

Staff Nutritionist: Arlene Menu

Staff Oral Historian: Studds Tercel

Staff Physicist: Moe Mentum

Staff Psychologist: Les Moody

Staff Reporters: Walter Crankcase

Staff Urologist: Willa Catheter

Statistician: Marge Innovera

Suppliers of Insurance to Dewey, Cheetham and Howe: C.F.I. Care

Surgeon General: C. Everett Koop DeVille

Swedish Attorney: Bjorn Liar

Tailo: Euripedes Imenedes

Tax Consultant: Lou Pole

Telephone Solicitation Response Specialist: Teresa Noboddihoum

Timing Director: Benjamin Not-Yet-You-Yahoo!