Party Animals

One day a snake, a turtle and a centipede are having a party.

After two cases of beer are gone, they needed more beer.

So they discuss who's going to go get the beer.

The turtle says, "I will go, you both just wait here."

Two hours later, the turtle wasn't back yet, so the centipede says, “I will go.”

So they open the door and see the turtle is still walking out of the door.

Because turtles walk too slow the centipede says, “You both wait for me to come back, I've got a lot of legs, so i can walk fast.”

The snake and the turtle wait for another two hours.

Finally the snake says, “What is taking the centipede so long?

So they open the door and check, the centipede is still at the front of the door still trying to put on all his shoes.

Finally the snake says, “let me go, I can walk fast, and i dont have feet to put shoes on.”

So the snake leaves.

After three hours, the snake wasn't back yet.

Both of them went to the store to find the snake.

And they saw snake stand there.

The snake says, "Don't give me those dirty looks, it only took me 5 minutes to get to the store, but I am still figuring out how to bring the beer back."

Rattlesnake Bite

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you're gonna die."

First Camping Trip

Little Johnny was on his first camping trip with his father and uncle. While the two men set up camp, Johnny went for a hike in the woods.

Not more than fifteen minutes later, he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.

"What happened?" asked Johnny's dad.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Johnny.

They two men laughed and his uncle said, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Little Johnny, "If he can make you jump off a fifty foot cliff, he is!"

Vet's Automated Telephone System

Welcome to ACME Vet's Automated Telephone System!

To make an appointment please press 1.

To tell us your life history as well as your pet's before making your appointment please press 2.

To speak directly to a doctor press 3.

If you feel your pet's condition warrants pulling a doctor away from the patient he/she is currently seeing or operating on press 4.

For a listing of the doctor's home telephone number, pager number and cell phone number, please press 5.

To schedule emergency after hours surgery press 6.

If your regular vet is on vacation press 7.

If your pet's condition has persisted for 2-6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and he needs to be seen this evening (after 6 PM) please press 8.

For a toenail trim on your 100-lb aggressive dog, press 9.

If it is before 7am or after 7pm, please press 10 for our treatment technician's home phone number.

If you would like us to hold a check for you until the following month please press 11.

If you would like us to post date a previously held post dated check press 12.

If you would like us to mail back your post dated check so that you can send us one for less money, or to make other payment arrangements, please press 13 for our office manager.

Also, press 13 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and bloody diarrhea and you have $10 in your pocket.

If you have been on hold for 10 minutes press 14.

If you have been on hold for 20 minutes press 15.

If you have been on hold for 30 minutes press 16 for the receptionist.

If you are under stress and need to project your anger at someone, press 17 for a receptionist.

To determine if your pet's condition (i.e. hit by car, grand mal seizures, or unconscious) is serious and it needs to be seen today, press 18. Our team of experts are standing by waiting to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes.

If your animal has not eaten in 10 days press 19.

If you have accidentally taken your animal's flea control pill or heart worm medicine press 20.

If your reptile (snake, Savannah monitor, iguana, chameleon, etc.) has been living in a dark, 30 degree room and has not eaten in 60 days press 21.

If you have a 200+ lb.. pot-bellied pig or other large farm animal please press 22 for drive through surgery service.

If you live in a rural area and your "rock walder gots the mange" press 23.

If your initials are sq. or you just want to talk press 24 and our receptionist will set up a private home appointment for you with a vet.

If your mouse was eaten by your snake, your snake killed by your cat, your cat attacked by your dog, and your dog was kicked by your goat please press 25.

None of these numbers will give you a real person, but they'll take your mind off your problems for awhile.

Our automated telephone service allows us to serve your pet's needs 24 hours a day 7 days a week!

Poisonous Snakes?

Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when the first little snake turned to the second little snake and asked, "Are we poisonous?"

"Why?" asked the second little snake, to which the first little snake replied,

"Because I just bit my lip!"

Be Careful What You Wish For

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot! I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable. Then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

Two Snakes

There where two snakes talking.

The first one said "Charlie, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or, are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?"

The second snake asks "Why do you ask?"

The first one replies, "I just bit my lip!"