A Mean Lookin' Cowboy

A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said, 

"Listen up you mangey bastards" and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent. "Someone done took my horse. Now here's what's gunna happen. I'm gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I'm gunna do what I did in Texas... and believe me, I don't want to do what I did in Texas!" 

Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked, 

"Sir I don't mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas?" 

The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied, "I walked home".

The Story Of Two Horses

Jake and Lucky were Kentucky bred race horses.

While young they led the proverbial "good life" for horses. They were free to frisk about in their assigned pasture to their hearts content, with all the sweet, luscious Kentucky blue grass to eat that any horse might desire.

Early in their training, it became obvious that Lucky was the faster of the two horses on the track. Jake did his best but, except on those few days when Lucky was "off his feed," he just could not seem to come in with a faster time.

One day, when they were alone in the pasture, Lucky said to Jake, "Let's race around the field, Jake!"

Jake replied, "I don't want to race you, Lucky. You always win so why should I even try to race you?"

Lucky answered, "It's such a beautiful day and I feel so great, Jake, that I'll just take it easy so you can win. Please race with me."

Jake said, "OK, Lucky, let's go!"

He took off in a whinny with Lucky in hot pursuit as they raced around the edge of the pasture. He lead most of the way but near the finish, Lucky pulled into the lead as they crossed the line.

After regaining their breath, Jake said, "You said you would take it easy and let me win, Lucky. Why didn't you keep your word?"

Lucky said, "I'm sorry, Jake, but in the heat of our race, I simply forgot. I'll not do it again."

Later that year, when the two horses were entered in their first race, Lucky won easily and Jake came in as an "also ran."

Several weeks later, when they were alone again in their pasture, Lucky once again was feeling at his frisky best.

He said to Jake, "Let's race, Jake!"

Jake sulked off, head held low.

Lucky stayed at his heels nibbling the sweet grass. With each succeeding bite of the savory grass Lucky's spirit rose. Finally he could stand no more.

"Jake, if you will just run with me around the pasture, we don't have to call it a race. I'll run along behind you. You can cross the finish line first."

Jake thought a minute and said, "It's such a beautiful day, Lucky. I'll take your word. Let's go!"

Off they ran through the knee deep grass with Jake in the lead and Lucky right on his heels. They whinnied with delight as they ran at full gallop.

Near the end of the course, Jake began to tire. Lucky had stamina to spare and passed Jake with ease. He crossed the finish line a full length ahead of Jake.

Needless to say, Jake was heartbroken. It was several days before he would even talk with Lucky.

When they finally made up, Lucky apologized endlessly. Jake accepted grudgingly but vowed he would never race Lucky again.

Lucky, went on to win almost every race in which he was entered: the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes. He had a long and illustrious career.

Whenever he was not racing, he was often returned to the pasture with his best friend Jake. Jake delighted in hearing of Lucky's triumphs, but won very few races himself.

Years later, after both had been retired from racing, when they were standing near the barn in the shade, Lucky suggested to Jake that they should gallop around the pasture, just for old time's sake.

Jake replied, "You know I won't do that, Lucky, because you always win!"

"On my word of honor, Jake, this time will be different," Lucky said. "I'll control myself and let you cross the finish line first."

Reluctantly, Jake said, "Don't run very fast, though. My old bones hurt too much when I gallop like we did years ago."

Lucky agreed and they trotted off around the field.

When they had almost completed the circuit, Jake tired badly so he slowed to a walk.

Lucky still had lots of energy so he cantered on ahead. He again finished in the lead as they neared the barn.

When they had both stopped near the barn an old dog who had observed the unfolding saga for years said, "I could have told you, Jake. You should have known. Lucky can't be trusted. He will always win whenever he runs."

Jake turned to Lucky and said, "Look, Lucky, a talking dog!"

Horse And Buggy

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away."

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake.

Your Don't Know Shit

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

The Indian's Loan

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500.

The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"

Marylou

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name Marylou on it" she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I wanted to be sure to bet on" he explains.

She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later he is again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he says "What was that for?"

She says, "Your horse phoned."

Army Excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily,

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Five

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day.

I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start "Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?" I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth."

Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the UH student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from the University of Texas.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas AM, "how about the opposite of woe?

"The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Kentucky Horse

A jogger, running down a country road in West Virginia, is startled as a horse yells to him, "Hey! Come over here. Buddy!"

The jogger is stunned, and runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Upon hearing that this beast can actually speak, dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch.

The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

The farmer says, "Son, I know what you are thinking, but you can't believe everything you hear...

that horse has never even been to Kentucky!"

For Sale

A real estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help.

Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "Horse For Sale."

Races

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record.

"In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Pull, Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Be Careful What You Wish For

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot! I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable. Then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

Glad We Have Chapstick

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."

A Horse Is A Horse

A man was driving through Montana one fall evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and sputter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and went to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was stare at the engine, feeling helpless.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he asked.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

"Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recounted the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse you say, was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know nothin' about cars!"

The Cowboy Without A Horse

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Oklahoma! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Oklahoma!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. What happened in Oklahoma?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."