Through All The Bad Times

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

They're Dying

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs.

Someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

Birds

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."

The Loving Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you do not do the following, your husband will surely die:

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die." she replied.

Not Such Smart Doctors

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up.

Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you... if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

Not Feeling So Well

A woman was not feeling well, so she visited her doctor.

The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly, "Mrs Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot."

"What? You mean my foot has to be amputated?"

"Oh, no, no..."replied the good doctor, "I mean you have to lose 12 inches from around your waistline!"

A Direct Diagnosis

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Feeling Ill In Church

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

Not Long To Live

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?" he asks desperately.

"9... 8... 7..."

Nasty Disease

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive, expensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but... it's the only food we can get under the door."

Good Doctor

A country bumpkin was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."

"You don't say! How was that?"

"I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters. He gave me more medicine. I got worse. I thought I was going to die."

"Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."