Praise The Lord

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, "Praise the Lord!" The atheist yells back, "There is no God."

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord."

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there are the groceries she's asked for. Of course she says, "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Hah. There is no God. I bought those groceries."

The lady looks at him and smiles. She says, "Praise the Lord! Not only did you provide for me Lord, but you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

Take It With You

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Praying

In Jerusalem, a CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, each day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims". I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a friggin' wall."

Atheist

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher angrily says, "That's no reason."

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

She paused, smiled and said, "Then, I'd be an atheist."