Blonde's Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "Well, DUH, it has to be at least 8 characters long."

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Women

1. Pumpkins are easy to pick up.
2. You can fondle a Pumpkin in a supermarket, and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
3. A pumpkin won't ask: "Am I the first?"
4. Pumpkins don't leave you wondering for a month.
5. Pumpkins never answer your phone or borrow your car.
6. A pumpkin won't go through your medicine chest.
7. A pumpkin doesn't use your toothbrush.
8. You can have as many pumpkins as you can handle.
9. A pumpkin never wants to improve your mind.
10. Pumpkins aren't into meaningful conversations.
11. A Pumpkin will never make a scene because there are other pumpkins in the refrigerator.
12. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh pumpkin.
13. You always know where a pumpkin has been.
14. Pumpkins never want to take you home to mom.
15. A pumpkin won't tell you she's outgrown you intellectually.
16. Pumpkins never expect you to have little pumpkins.
17. It's easy to drop a pumpkin.

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you.
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

Fixing The Headstone

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Calling The School

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

• To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, Press 2
• To complain about what we do, Press 3
• To cuss out a staff member, Press 4
• To find out why you were the only one in the school district who did not get needed information that was in the newsletter, Press 5
• If you want us to raise your child, Press 6
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, Press 7
• To request another teacher for your child for the third time this year, Press 8
• To complain about the buses, bus driver, or bus routes, Press 9
• To complain about the school lunches, Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, and homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for you child's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day.

The Wong Family

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings to them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations!" says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong".

Navy Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third was a grizzled old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam"

Talking Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You"re a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too." says the duck. "Now if you don"t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck"s pint. "It"s just we don"t get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I"m a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I"m always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That"s right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"

Christmas Wish

The department store Santa Claus was more than a surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

But Santa quickly recovered and started talking to the college type lass.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" asked Santa.

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Well, that's what I call thoughtful," smiled Santa. "What can I bring for your mother?"

After a moment's thought, the girl brightened, turned to Santa, and said, "I'd like for her to get a son-in-law."

Air Force Pilot

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.

So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what else do you know how to do?"

"I just chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my twin brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Insomnia

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the doctor's office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Real Women Vs. Martha Stewart

Martha's way #1

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women's Way:

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you're probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women's Way:

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Women's Way:

Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

Real Women's Way:

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Real Women's Way:

Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women's Way:

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women's Way:

Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore. You're now blind.

Martha's way #8:

If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women's Way:

Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #9:

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women's Way:

Leftover wine?

If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half gallons. One $5 half gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: I can't believe this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

It's Not What You Eat

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you."

In Need Of Water

A sheik was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little man sitting at a table with a bunch of neckties laid out. The sheik asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”

The man replied, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robe”.

The sheik shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!” “OK, don’t buy a tie, but to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 2 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way. They’ll give you all the water you want.”

The sheik thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the sheik came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his table.

The little man said, “I told you, about 2 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”

The sheik rasped, “I found it all right. Your brother wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”

Bachelor

A confirmed bachelor was asked why he had never married.

He said that no matter which girl he took home, his mother took an instant dislike to her.

His friend suggested he look for a girl just like his mother.

Some time later, they met again and the friend asked the bachelor how he was doing. The bachelor said, "I took your advice. I found a girl who looked like my mother, spoke like my mother, even cooked like my mother, and I took her home to meet my parents."

"And what happened?" asked the friend.

He said, "My father hated her."

English

I take it you already know

Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble but not you

On hiccough, though, slough and through.

Well done! And now you may wish perhaps

To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word

That looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead is said like bed not bead

For goodness sake don't call it deed.

Watch out for meat and great and threat

They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother

Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there

Nor dear and fear for pear and bear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose

Just look them up, and goose and choose

And cork and work and card and ward

And font and front and word and sword

And do and go, then thwart and cart.

Come, come I've hardly made a start.

A dreadful language? Why man alive

I could speak it when I was five!

New White House Fence

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went.

First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the Chicago contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, "$2700." The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from Chicago, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

Flag Pole Math

Two students were staring away at the flag pole in front of the college building. The professor of English walking by asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

One of the students said, "We need to know how to measure the height of this flag pole for our math class."

The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, "It is exactly 20 feet long."

Looking at the English professor as he walked away, the other student said, "Smart alec. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!"

Engineering Bill

An engineer had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

• One chalk mark: $1
• Knowing where to put it: $49,999

Prison vs. Work

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things little bit more clear...

In Prison: you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.

At Work: you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

In Prison: you get three meals a day.

At Work: you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In Prison: you get time off for good behavior.

At Work: you get more work for good behavior.

In Prison: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At Work: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

In Prison: you can watch TV and play games.

At Work: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In Prison: you get your own toilet.

At Work: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

In Prison: they allow your family and friends to visit.

At Work: you can't even speak to your family.

In Prison: all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.

At Work: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In Prison: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

At Work: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In Prison: you must deal with sadistic wardens.

At Work: they are called managers.

So... one might ask which is a better place to be? Work or Prison?

Nursing Sick Birds

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One cold December evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while, in the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please, Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."

Doggie Hotel

A man sent an e-mail to a small hotel in Oregon, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel."

"And if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"