Real Women Vs. Martha Stewart

Martha's way #1

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women's Way:

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you're probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women's Way:

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Women's Way:

Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

Real Women's Way:

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Real Women's Way:

Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women's Way:

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women's Way:

Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore. You're now blind.

Martha's way #8:

If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women's Way:

Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha's way #9:

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women's Way:

Leftover wine?