Barrel of Beer

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.

"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

Talking Dog

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "You can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir." he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before presidents and kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

New Neighbors

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?"

"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.

What Kids Will Say

A young girl's folks had paid a visit to the home of a neighbor one evening. The neighbor thought naturally, when she answered the doorbell the next morning and found the little girl at the door, that her parents had forgotten something...

"Please, Mrs. Johnston," said the girl, "may I look at your living room rug?"

The woman was surprised but said, "Why, of course, Jennie. Come on in. It's right over here."

The little girl stared at the rug for several minutes. Then she turned to its owner and said unabashedly, "Well, It doesn't make me sick."

Barking Dog

Jonathan who is noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice.

Jonathan thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.

The next morning at four o'clock, Jonathan called back his neighbor. "Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

Ten Ways To Make Your Neighbor Move

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!" Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.
3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies," then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage," walk away laughing hysterically.
5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."
7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.
8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors each day hack off a different part of their body.
9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)
10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.