English Professor

One of the courses I taught when I was a college professor was Freshman English. To my first class of students I described the basic parts of an essay: "Remember, the three parts of an essay are the Introduction, the Body, and the Confusion". 

Perfectionist

Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.

"This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."

"One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively. "My father helped me."

The English Language

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Vacation In Hell

Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady.

"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one.

"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful."

"Dear me!" said the first lady. "well where are you going?"

"Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish as well!" the first lady objected.

At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue.

"Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested.

"There be no Irish there!"

English Lesson

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind!

For example... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, across the ages, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all.)

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Professor's Choices

An English teacher announced to the class: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"

Why English Is Hard To Learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

It's Not What You Eat

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you."

English

I take it you already know

Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble but not you

On hiccough, though, slough and through.

Well done! And now you may wish perhaps

To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word

That looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead is said like bed not bead

For goodness sake don't call it deed.

Watch out for meat and great and threat

They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother

Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there

Nor dear and fear for pear and bear.

And then there's dose and rose and lose

Just look them up, and goose and choose

And cork and work and card and ward

And font and front and word and sword

And do and go, then thwart and cart.

Come, come I've hardly made a start.

A dreadful language? Why man alive

I could speak it when I was five!