Gone Swimming

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After he ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and  the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

I'm Being Poisoned

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi offers, "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can learn and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

Tax Deductible

Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I'll try."

"Do you know Sam Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $25,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"

"He will!"

My Wife Is Poisoning Me

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

The Yiddish Parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day, wishing something wonderful would happen to his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:

"Quawwwwk... vus macht du... yeah, you... outside, standing like a schmuck... eh?"

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot."

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said:

"Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"

Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"

"What did you expect? Chinese maybe?"

In a matter of moments Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night long he talked with the parrot... in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America; about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride; about his family; about his years of working in the garment industry; and about sunny Florida.

The parrot listened and commented while sharing some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer handmade a miniature yarmulke for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. Before long Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more.

On Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.

Needless to say, they were quite a spectacle. Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, the Rabbi refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet... even odds... that the parrot could not pray, could not speak Yiddish, or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed... but not a peep from the bird. Meyer become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray!"

The parrot said nothing.

"Pray, parrot! You can pray... do it now while everybody is looking at you!"

The parrot said nothing.

After services were over, Meyer realized he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home... very disgusted, saying nothing.

Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird... you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. After you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah... Why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"