Away On Business

A guy tells his psychiatrist "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"

"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't see the email."

We Deliver

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Hawaii for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

Legal Advice

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.

The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.

When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."

Business Hours

Open most days about 9:00 or 10:00,

Occasionally as early as 7:00,

But some days as late as 12:00 or 1:00.

We close about 5:30 or 6:00,

Occasionally about 4:00 or 5:00.

But sometimes as late as 11:00 or 12:00.

Some days or afternoons, we aren't here at all.

And lately I've been here about all the time,

Except when I'm somewhere else.

But I should be here then too.

Three Stores

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent.

The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to let the shop on the left.

The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?"

The guy says, "A menswear shop."

The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign.

"Menswear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Menswear" on his sign.

The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same.

"No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to let the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign.

The guy replies: "Entrance."

Confession

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer.

In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Double Decker Bus

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.

A couple of hours later it's the redhead's turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's going on?" the red head asks. We're having a grand old time down below."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

Doug And Bill

Doug and Bill had started a business from scratch, and they built it up in to one of the most successful companies, with sales in the millions. The company was extremely prosperous and Doug and Bill lived like kings.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Doug and Bill blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Doug drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some of the crumbs from the table, a waiter approached the table. Doug looked up and gasped, it was Bill.

"Bill," he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."

"Yeah," said Bill, curling his lip, "But at least I don't have to eat here."

Business Rules To Live By

1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
12. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
17. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
19. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
27. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
28. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Business Moving

A guy has a friend who just moved his business. He decided to get a nice bouquet of flowers for his friend as a gift. He called the flower shop, they took his order, and he thought everything was great.

Two weeks later, this guy gets an invitation to come to his friend's open house, celebrating the new location. This fellow goes to the open house and it is packed. Instead of trying to find his friend immediately, the guy looks to see how his gift of flowers turned out.

After searching all over for his gift, he finally comes upon it. He thinks they look marvelous. He goes to read the card and he becomes infuriated, because it read "Rest In Peace." This guy was terribly upset that the flower company sent his friend the wrong card, and he was going to let them know about it.

The next day comes, and this guy calls the flower shop. He yells at the clerk telling him how he can't believe they messed up such a simple order.

The clerk feels terrible and apologises profusely. He then tries to see what exactly happened to this guy's flowers and seeing where they ended up, he tells the guy, "Sir, you might be upset that your friend got flowers saying 'Rest In Peace,' but just think. Somewhere there is a funeral and beside the casket there are some lovely flowers with a card
that reads 'Congratulations On Your New Location.'"