Hearing Aid

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning." said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

To The Point

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much.

One day, a saleman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told him that she wasn't home.

" Well," the man said, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed him to the drawing room and left him there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, he called out for him and asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming back?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

Budgies

Two blondes walk into a pet store. The first says, "I want four budgies."

The salesman replies, "Certainly ma'am, would you like two male and two female, or all male or all female?

The blonde shoots back, "I don't care. I just want four budgies!"

The salesman, without losing his cool, continues: "Very well, what color would you like them to be? We have yellow, blue, gr..."

The blonde interrupts, yelling, "I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?"

The salesman quickly grabs four birds from the budgie cages and shoves them into a pet carrier. The second blonde pulls out her credit card and pays for the birds, and then both blondes leave.

They drive out to a high cliff and the first blonde reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping her arms. She plummets like a rock and hits the bottom of the cliff with a loud splat.

The second blonde looks down at her friend's mangled remains and says, "Dang, this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Not Such Smart Doctors

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up.

Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you... if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

Cow Buying

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced his unit as follows: Basic cow $499.95

Shipping and handling $35.75

Extra stomach $79.25

Two tone exterior $142.10

Produce storage compartment $126.50

Heavy duty straw chopper $189.60

Four spigot/high output drain system $149.20

Automatic fly swatter $88.50

Genuine cowhide upholstery $179.90

Deluxe dual horns $59.25

Automatic fertilizer attachment $339.40

4 x 4 traction drive assembly $884.16

Pre-delivery wash and comb $69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2843.36

Additional dealer adjustments: $300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): $3143.36

Salesman's New Job

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Blonde Wants To Buy The Television

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV. It's a microwave!"

100 Camels

As US tourists in Egypt, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Cairo souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, "She's not from the States."

"Yes, I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"

"Yes," she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home."