Saying Grace

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

"I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

Great Steaks

Alan had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Alan was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here." a very embarrassed Alan said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a big, juicy, steak. Today, though,when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

The DInner Party

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

Dinner Guests

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Authentic Italian Dinner

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there!"

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."

Marinate

One evening a man was very impressed with the meal his wife had served.

"What did you marinate this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

Einstein

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Where To Have Dinner

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Names For Leftovers

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers.

"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a Movie Producer and he calls them 'reruns'."

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a Quality Control Engineer and he calls them 'rejects'!"

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them 'remains'!"

Microsoft TV Dinner Product Instructions

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights).

You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: .

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter . This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.

Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every Chicken ME dinner. However, that version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

Diet Tips

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

What To Cook

Betty and Bob have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.

Betty is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all. Bob explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?"

She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call, this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use four eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes. Then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," Bob says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour. What is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," Betty cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Chopsticks

Ben Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are having dinner at a Japanese restaurant. Ben picks up the chopsticks and starts eating. Luke is having problems, there is food all

over his face, his cloths, and the table, but none in his mouth.

"What should I do?" he asks Ben.

"Use the forks, Luke!"

Clear Thinking

"It's time to see how clearly you can think," the teacher said to his class. "Now, listen carefully, and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?"

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, "The person is me."

Little Jeffery beamed at learning the answer. "That's a good one," he said to himself. "I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad."

At dinner that night, little Jeffery repeated the riddle to his parents. "I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have," he said. "But this person isn't my brother and isn't my sister. Who is it?"

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, "I give up. Who is it?"

"It's my teacher!" Jeffery said.

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says...

"Well, somebody has to go wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

In Case Of An Emergency

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, Dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

Six Legged Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know." said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Thanksgiving Dinner Bribe

The entire family was assembled for Thanksgiving dinner. All four children were there with their spouses that they had recently married. All four couples were childless.

Before saying grace, Father said that he would give $10,000 to the son or daughter who would present Mom and himself with their first grandchild. After the "Amen," he looked up to find nobody left at the table except himself, Mom and the turkey.

Serving himself one drumstick and Mom the other, he turned to Mom and said, "Told you it would work."

Dinner Date

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."