An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2:00 am and is asked where is is going at this time of the night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of the night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because I couldn't lift the table!
A little boy went up to his father and asked "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail!" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
A woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir. God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "He's a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I’m God."
“When you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box and is eaten in triangles, then you will be able to understand a woman.”
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into the field on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What’s the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
A woman was in town on an all-day shopping binge.
She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. Then her phone rang.
It was a doctor, a female, notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. After all, she had been married for years, he had provided everything she wanted or needed and now, for the most part, he was just a bother.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling a little guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And HE will now be your career!"
The woman, finally overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.
The woman doctor chuckled and said... "I'm just messing with you. Don't worry, he's dead... Show me what you bought!"
Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish, or light fires.
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2021 just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Class of 2000."
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course, Darling!" she replied. And so they had sex.
Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and said, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old times sake?" By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.
After they finished, she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and said, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know, YOU don't have to get up in the morning... But I do!"
A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain?
He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house."
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house."
I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?"
So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.
In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.
So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
"Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made possible for evil to triumph."
-Haile SelassieAn Englishman, a Scotsman, a Libyan, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a Tunisian, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Nigerian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Ugandan, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Malaysian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, and a South African walked up to a nightclub . . .
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
The rain was pouring down.
There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,
"So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth", says the old man!
I want a closed casket funeral.
However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play "Pop goes the weasel" over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.
Erica is walking out of a movie theatre at the same time as a man with a parrot on his shoulder.
Erica turns to the man and says, "Your parrot actually seemed to understand the movie."
It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even "squawked" during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be.
The man turns to Erica and says "I don't understand it either.... he didn't like the book at all."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please, I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
12. At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.
