Honesty

Yup, some people can’t handle the truth! 

My Favorite Animal 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. 

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. 

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where the heck I am now...

Poor Cat

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. 

She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

What Sound Does it Make?

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.

She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr.., it goes.. click!"

Sixth Grade Science Class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 

One, you have a dirty mind,

Two, you didn't read your homework,

 

and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Blood Circulation

Miss Figpot was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, boys and girls, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

The class sat quietly as the teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

The entire class was silent as they tried to figure out the answer. From the back of the class, Little Johnny shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Class Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 

"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'" 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Teach Them Young

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good." she says. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack." says the little boy.

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

Homework Paper

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss Feldman, asked, "What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not homework again..."

"Well, uh, yes it is, mam" replied Little Benny. "I made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Benny, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," Miss Feldman said, "but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but it's worse than that..." replied Little Benny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked!

Plants

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.

She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"

Telling Lies

Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. So she went to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office.

Sure enough here came little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson.

He told Johnny to take a seat, he wanted to tell him a story. He said, "Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shots. So, I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. They were falling out of the sky and fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. So, the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground where they hit two rabbits and killed them. Just as I was going to gather up my animals, a bear came out and started to get them. "Then the weirdest thing happened. A little dog showed up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed.

Now, little Johnny, you believe that story don't you?" Little Johnny said,

"Sure I do. That was my dog and that's the third bear he's got this year!"

No Crayons

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, 'I don't have any crayons.' or 'You don't have any crayons.' or 'We don't have any crayons.' or 'They don't have any crayons.' Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

History

Mrs. Taylor, asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.

"Rome was built at night." was his answer.

"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her hands.

"How ever did you get such an idea?"

"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."

Perfectionist

Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.

"This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."

"One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively. "My father helped me."

The Lesson

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people." the teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, Little Johnny volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"answered the child innocently.

"You did what?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

American History

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it to a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

Summer Vacation

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip.

"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"

After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

Helpful Teacher

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next month...