Driving Home

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall!

Baaaaam! They hit the wall. 

The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? 

Jim answered him: - It was you driving!

Two Friends

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"

Russ replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail!" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Stranded On An Island

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Away On Business

A guy tells his psychiatrist "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"

"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't see the email."

Great Steaks

Alan had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Alan was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here." a very embarrassed Alan said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a big, juicy, steak. Today, though,when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this?"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

New Secretary

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?" he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."

What A Friend

A father and son wanted to hunt on a friend's property, so they called him and made arrangements for a date. Early in the morning they arrived on the appointed day, and the son went up to the friend's house and told him that they were ready to start the hunt.

The friend told him where to hunt and asked him to do him a little favor. "When you pass the barn, shoot that old mule. He's about 40 years old, but we don't have the heart to kill him."

The son, thinking he could have a little fun with his father, said, "Dad, that so-and-so friend of ours changed his mind and now he won't let us hunt on his property so I think I'll just walk over there and kill his mule." He grabbed his gun, walked over and shot the old mule.

He had started back to the car when he heard bang, bang, and his father yelling, "You were right about our friend, Son, so I killed two of his cows!"

I'll Tell

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were llunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."

Where To Have Dinner

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Success

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Argument With The Wife

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."

"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean historical," the man insists. "Every argument we have,

she'll go 'I still remember that time when you...'"

A Well Planned Life

Two old women met for the first time since graduating from high school almost 50 year earlier.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

A Good Fishing Spot

Two friends rented a boat and went fishing in a lake.

The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to go into shore, one man said to the other, "Let's mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy said, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "That was dumb! What if we don't get the same boat today?"

Hidden Blessings

There was a king in Africa who had a close friend that he grew up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.

Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No this is not good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied him to a stake surrounded by wood.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king had but one thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. They untied the king and sent him away.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt so very badly about his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right" he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"

"What do you mean, 'this is good'! How could it be good that I sent you, my good friend, to jail for all this time?"

"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you - and eaten!"

Friends Vs. Biker Friends

Friends: Never ask for food.

Biker Friends: Are the reason you have no food.

Friends: Will say "Hello."

Biker Friends: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

Friends: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

Biker Friends: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

Friends: Have never seen you cry.

Biker Friends: Cry with you.

Friends: Eat at your dinner table and leave.

Biker Friends: Will spend hours talking, laughing and just being together.

Friends: Know a few things about you.

Biker Friends: Could write a book with direct quotes.

Friends: Knock on your door.

Biker Friends: Walk right in and say "I'm Home!"

Friends: Are for a while.

Biker Friends: Are for life.

Friends: Will ignore this.

Biker Friends: Will forward this.

Doug And Bill

Doug and Bill had started a business from scratch, and they built it up in to one of the most successful companies, with sales in the millions. The company was extremely prosperous and Doug and Bill lived like kings.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Doug and Bill blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Doug drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some of the crumbs from the table, a waiter approached the table. Doug looked up and gasped, it was Bill.

"Bill," he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."

"Yeah," said Bill, curling his lip, "But at least I don't have to eat here."

Special Golf Ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back. No problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."

Deer Hunting

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Crackpot Friends

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side?

That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Moral:

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there. There is a lot of good in you!

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life! Or as I like to think of it, if it hadn't been for the crackpots in my life, it would have been pretty boring and life certainly would have been much less interesting...

Thank you all my crackpot friends.