Three Flat Tires and Two Headlights

A young waiter just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. 

The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; "Can I take your order sir?" 

The truck driver replied, "Sure kid, I want three flat tires and two headlights." 

The young man was very puzzled and said, "I beg your pardon?" 

The truck driver said again, "Look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights." 

The young man was still puzzled, but replied; "Yes sir, whatever." 

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. 

He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” 

The head cook said, "I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him." 

The cook said to the waiter "Here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this." 

The truck driver said, "Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights." 

The waiter replied, "Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!"

An A, B, C, Wife

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

 

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

 

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

 

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" 

 

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!" 

 

The swelling in his eyes is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic that with a lot of physical therapy he will walk again.

Party Animals

One day a snake, a turtle and a centipede are having a party.

After two cases of beer are gone, they needed more beer.

So they discuss who's going to go get the beer.

The turtle says, "I will go, you both just wait here."

Two hours later, the turtle wasn't back yet, so the centipede says, “I will go.”

So they open the door and see the turtle is still walking out of the door.

Because turtles walk too slow the centipede says, “You both wait for me to come back, I've got a lot of legs, so i can walk fast.”

The snake and the turtle wait for another two hours.

Finally the snake says, “What is taking the centipede so long?

So they open the door and check, the centipede is still at the front of the door still trying to put on all his shoes.

Finally the snake says, “let me go, I can walk fast, and i dont have feet to put shoes on.”

So the snake leaves.

After three hours, the snake wasn't back yet.

Both of them went to the store to find the snake.

And they saw snake stand there.

The snake says, "Don't give me those dirty looks, it only took me 5 minutes to get to the store, but I am still figuring out how to bring the beer back."

Sailor Parrot

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Smart Mother

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, "WOOF!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language."

Guinness

A wealthy Texan walks into a small pub in Ireland. He slaps down $500 on the bar and announces, “I got 500 American dollars here, for any of you fellers who can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row”.

Nobody says anything. Everybody looks away, or looks at the floor. One guy leaves.

The Texan orders a drink and starts chatting with the locals. About 5 or 10 minutes later, the guy who left earlier returns. Small, skinny guy. He shyly taps on the Texan’s shoulder and asks him, “Pardon me, sir…but does your offer still stand?”

The Texan stands up and slaps him on the shoulder. “It sure does… set ’em up, Joe!” The bartender expertly pours and sets up ten pints in a row of foaming Guinness. The little guy walks down the line and knocks back every one of them pretty briskly, barely slowing down through the ninth and tenth. He stands there smiling and burps once.

“Well, here’s your money, Seamus!” says the Texan. “But I gotta ask you, where’d you disappear to there for a while?”

“Well, I had to nip over to the other pub… to make sure I could do it.”

20 Hours to Live

 Mr. Jones goes into his doctor's office.

The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."

"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Setting the Pace

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. 

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.  The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,"  and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.  "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket  and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,  "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,  "I'll have the same."  Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,  "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

  

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." 

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. 

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. 

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. 

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" 

The owner responds, "Genius, no way! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" 

Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

 

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

 

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

Be Careful! CAREFUL!

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. 

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" 

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. 

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" 

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. 

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" 

The wife runs to the fri- 

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" 

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. 

She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." 

The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.

A Mean Lookin' Cowboy

A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said, 

"Listen up you mangey bastards" and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent. "Someone done took my horse. Now here's what's gunna happen. I'm gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I'm gunna do what I did in Texas... and believe me, I don't want to do what I did in Texas!" 

Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked, 

"Sir I don't mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas?" 

The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied, "I walked home".

Mozart's Passing

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,

listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned  on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

USMC Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

"You talk?" he asks. 

"Yep," the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services .. The United States Marine Corps. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs." 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. 

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. 

So, I decided to settle down.  I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." 

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." 

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

"Ten dollars," the guy says. 

"Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar!  He never did any of that crap.  He was in the Navy!"

Missing Wife

Husband:    My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Officer:    Age?  

Husband:    I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60.  We don't do birthdays.

Officer:   Height?  

Husband:     I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

Officer:   Weight?

Husband:     Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.

Officer:    Color of eyes?

Husband:    Sort of brown I think  Never really noticed.

Officer:    Color of hair?

Husband:   Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Officer:    What was she wearing?

Husband:    Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don't know exactly.

Officer:    What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:     She went in my truck.

Officer:    What kind of truck was it?

Husband :    A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Officer:    Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

Bear on the Roof

A man in Malmo, Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

 

He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

 

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof first, shoot that damn dog!" 

Motorcycle Accident

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

 

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

 

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,

 

Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

 

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

 

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now.

 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, fluttering the most gorgeous eyelashes I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

No Dumping

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head." 

"Yep," he replied. "That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says:  ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’" 

Pulled Over

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. 
  
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" 

The driver replied, "Bout whut?" 

Flat Tire

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. 

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I got a flat tahr.”          

The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?" 

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." 

Stolen Pickup

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" 

Bubba replied, "Did y’all see who it was?" 

The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number." 

I'd Rather be in Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..." 

When asked why, he replied, "I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world." 

Math Help

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 

He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" 

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.”

His New Corvette

A Florida citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.     


Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the blowing wind through what little hair he had left.  'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. 


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. 


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.   


Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before– I’ll let you go.." 


The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. 

New Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" 

I Don't Wanna Go To School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" 

The Talking Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." 

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know." 

Calling His Lawyer

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Going to the Pub

A fed up wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff."

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"