Coffee Break

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Pick A Room

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in muck up to their necks.

The guy says "No, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with muck up to their noses.

Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with muck up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.

The guy says, "I pick this room."

Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Keeping It Warm

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Morning Coffee

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

If You Give A Mom A Muffin

If you give a mom a muffin,

She'll want a cup of coffee to go with it.

She'll pour herself some.

Her three-year-old will spill the coffee.

She'll wipe it up.

Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks.

She'll remember she has to do laundry.

When she puts the laundry in the washer,

She'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer.

Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper.

She will get out a pound of hamburger.

She'll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger.)

The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.

She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.

She will look for her checkbook.

The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old.

She'll smell something funny.

She'll change the two-year-old.

While she is changing the two-year-old the phone will ring.

Her five-year-old will answer and hang up.

She'll remember that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee.

Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.

She will pour herself some.

And chances are,

If she has a cup of coffee,

Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

Coffee Prayer

Coffee Prayer

Caffeine is my shepherd;

I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures:

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz:

It leadeth me in the paths of

consciousness for its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of addiction,

I will fear no Equal™:

For thou art with me;

thy cream and thy sugar

they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me

in the presence of The Starbucks®:

Thou anointest my day with pep;

my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me

all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the House of Juan Valdez forever.

Amen

Catholic Sons

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

Real Automation

A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar."

No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off.

"Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you!"

Drive Thru Coffee

I pulled up to the drive thru of a fast food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

78 Ways To Know If You Drink Too Much Coffee

1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
3. The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.
4. You ski uphill.
5. You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
6. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
7. You speed walk in your sleep.
8. You have a bumper sticker that says "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
9. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
10. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
11. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
12. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
13. You sleep with your eyes open.
14. When you open your dish cabinet you only find mugs.
15. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
16. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
17. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
18. You lick your coffeepot clean.
19. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
20. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
21. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
22. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
23. Your coffee cake must have coffee in it.
24. You chew on other people's fingernails.
25. Your T-shirt says "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
26. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
27. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
28. The only gift you get for Valentines Day is chocolate covered beans.
29. You can jump-start your car without cables.
30. All your kids are named "Joe."
31. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
32. You don't sweat, you percolate.
33. You buy half and half by the barrel.
34. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
35. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
36. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
37. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
38. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
39. Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.
40. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
41. People get dizzy just watching you.
42. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
43. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
44. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
45. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test their batteries in your ears.
46. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
47. Instant coffee takes too long.
48. When someone says "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
52. Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
53. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
54. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
55. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
56. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
57. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
58. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
62. You can jump to the moon.
63. You short out motion detectors.
64. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
65. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
66. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
67. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
68. You don't tan, you roast.
69. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
70. Your three favorite things in life are coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
71. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
72. You can't even remember your second cup.
73. You help your dog chase its tail.
74. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
75. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
76. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
77. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
78. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.