What Day Is It?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. 

The woman coouldn'’t wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. 

"I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

The Flag Pole

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”

She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said,  “We need

the height and she gives us the length!”

Dating Service

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

Bad News

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” 

Drinking

After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking and fight for nothing.

Women can do all these without drinking!

A Retiree's Last Trip to Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Bodine and Roxy.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 30 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet, and that the way it works is, to load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

A Wise Man to His Son

 “When you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box and is eaten in triangles, then you will be able to understand a woman.”

Airplanes and Women

1.  Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time. 

2.  Airplanes can be turned on by the flick of a switch. 

3.  Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go." 

4.  Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection. 

5.  Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation. 

6.  Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations. 

7.  Airplanes don't come with in-laws. 

8.  Airplanes don't care about  how many other airplanes you've flown  before. 

9.  Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. 

10. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

11. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines. 

12. Airplanes expect to be tied down. 

13. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills. 

14. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. 

15.  However, when airplanes goes quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

The Dark Side of Women

A woman was in town on an all-day shopping binge.

She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. Then her phone rang. 

It was a doctor, a female, notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. 

The woman told the doctor that she'd be there as soon as possible. 

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. After all, she had been married for years, he had provided everything she wanted or needed and now, for the most part, he was just a bother.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. 

Then she remembered her husband. 

Feeling a little guilty, she dashed to the hospital. 

She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. 

The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And HE will now be your career!" 

The woman, finally overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed. 

The woman doctor chuckled and said... "I'm just messing with you. Don't worry, he's dead... Show me what you bought!"

Thought for the day...

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Santa Is Not A Woman

Santa can't be a woman because:

• No woman would be caught dead in the same outfit two years in row!
• Women cannot drive cars let alone a sleigh powered by reindeer.
• Santa carries a bag full of toys, not a purse full of toiletries!
• Santa Claus wears no jewelry when he goes out. All women wear jewelry when the go out for the holidays.
• Another reason why Santa Claus is a man is because only a Real Man could leave his family on Christmas Eve, stay out all night, and come back in, the next morning claiming to be out working all night.
• Santa delivers toys at night. Women usually develop a headache at night that prohibits them from doing anything.

What Do Women Really Want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Isn’t that beautiful?

But really now, what is the moral of this story?

If you don’t respect women, things are gonna get ugly!

Geography Of A Woman

• Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
• Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
• Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
• Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.
• Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
• Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
• Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
• After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Seat On The Bus

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

Vacation In Hell

Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady.

"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one.

"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful."

"Dear me!" said the first lady. "well where are you going?"

"Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish as well!" the first lady objected.

At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue.

"Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested.

"There be no Irish there!"

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for St. Marks Health Centers suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has does."

Retirement

An elderly retired Marine moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men are at a premium.

After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women."

The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replied the priest."But it'll wipe that grin off your face.

A Well Planned Life

Two old women met for the first time since graduating from high school almost 50 year earlier.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "

"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Working Late

While attending college, my sister worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights her co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while they did paperwork or restocked merchandise. One evening as the manager was leaving, my sister expressed concern to him about their safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said with a wave of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."