Pulled Over

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. 
  
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" 

The driver replied, "Bout whut?" 

Flat Tire

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. 

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I got a flat tahr.”          

The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?" 

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." 

His New Corvette

A Florida citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.     


Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the blowing wind through what little hair he had left.  'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. 


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. 


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.   


Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before– I’ll let you go.." 


The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. 

Road Accident

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!"

New York City

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

Two Dollars

One day a rich famous man went to buy an expensive sport's car from a car dealership...

The price of the car was $80,000 and the man had only $79,998 to pay with...

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80,000.

The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help...

He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he would be kind enough to lend him $2.

The poor man asked the rich man the reason, and the rich man replied that he needed the money to buy a car. 

The poor man thought for a moment.  Then he gave the man $4 and said, " Please buy one for me, too!"

Texas Traffic Stop

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'"

Needs A Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 AM by a loud pounding on their front door. The man struggles out of bed and goes to the door, opens it, and finds an obviously drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.

Almost snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk,

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"Would you give me a push?" the drunk slurs.

"Are you crazy? Not a chance," the husband answers. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" and slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asked the wife, not helping the situation in the least.

"Some drunk asking for a push," he mumbles.

"Did you help him?" the wife asks.

Now teetering on the edge of exploding, he says, "No! I didn't help him. It's three in the morning and raining like heck outside."

"Well, you've got a very short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember when we were on the way to a party and those two guys helped us? I think you should help this poor man!"

Now wide awake and knowing he'll be unable to go back to sleep, the husband mumbles under his breath, gets dressed, and stands on the front steps in the driving rain.

"Hey, are you still out there?"

"Yeah," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" asks the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Unable to see anything or anyone in the dark, the husband says, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here. On the swing".

The New Car

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic. He would probably have settled on just about any truck, even a used, beat up one, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look." she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

The Gas Cap

A friend filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he might have left the gas cap on top of the gas pump. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it wasn't there.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must do the same thing, and that it wasn't worth going back to the original gas station but to just ask at the next gas station he came to if anyone had left behind a gas cap.

At the next gas station he came to he asked the attendant if anyone had left any gas caps behind. The attendant smiled, produced a box from under the counter and said he could help himself to any gas cap he liked. Obviously many others had forgotten their gas caps.

He looked through the box and took one that looked like it would fit. He tried it on and it went into place with a satisfying click. He thanked the attendant and went on his way.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."

Crazy Drivers

As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his cell phone rang. Answering it, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.

"Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 17. Please be careful!"

"Darn," said Harold, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Hail Storm

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic jokingly told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

So, she took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

Parking Tickets

I went to the store the other day and was only there for about five minutes. When I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I said something to him that seriously questioned his intelligence.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

This went on for about twenty minutes, but I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

Leisurely Drive

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Coat Hanger

One rainy evening, my wife and I left a restaurant only to find that she had locked the keys in the car. She insisted that she could open the door if only she had a wire coat hanger. We went back to the restaurant to see if they had one, but they didn't.

We ran to a clothing store down the block and they did have a coat hanger for us. Returning to the car, she bent the hanger, pushed it behind the window and after a few attempts she was able to get the door unlocked.

We climbed into the car, wet and cold, but still happy that she got the door open and we'd finally be able to leave. She put the hanger under her front seat, smiled and said "Now if that ever happens again I'll be prepared."

Fire At The Gas Station

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.

The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm.

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.

All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the leg. This took everyone by surprise.

The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Gas

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border... when he saw a large sign... "Last Chance For $2.95 Gas!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

The attendant replied, "$2.65"

Blonde's Repair Kit

Josh was helping Bambi, the young and very buxom blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Bambi what it was for.

Bambi said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Confused. Josh asked, "I can see that, but why?"

Bambi answered, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

Signs You've Bought A Bad Car

• Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
• The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
• The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
• The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
• The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
• Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
• The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
• You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coal.
• You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
• When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

Lover's Lane

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known parking spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane. And nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes