Kids Will Be Kids

A seven-year-old comes crying to me because his little brother pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," I say, "Your little brother doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and I go to investigate.

This time my youngest son is bawling and his brother says, "He knows now."

Anthill Golfing

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

Not Drunk

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Anniversary

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."

I Can't

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

"I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me."

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said.

"Why not?"

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."

Blonde

One day a truck driver was driving down a highway when he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a blonde in a little blue car tailgating him. Well, this truck driver hated to be tailgated, so he stops his truck and walks over to the car, which had also stopped and said, "Hey, lady, if you don't stop tailgating me, I'm going to bust up your car."

He gets back in truck and drives away.

A little while later he looks in his rearview mirror, and sees the blonde tailgating him again. So he stops his truck, gets out, and walks over to the car, saying, "Hey lady, stop tailgating me, or I'll bust up your car."

So he gets back in his truck and drives away.

A little while later he again looks in his rearview mirror, and once again the blonde is tailgating him. So he stops his truck, walks over to the car, and says, "Lady, get out."

So the blonde steps out of her car, and the truck driver draws a circle on the roadside, saying, "Now don't step out of that circle."

Then he proceeds to bust up the blonde's car. Smashing the windshield and windows.

And the blonde starts laughing.

The truck driver rips out the seats, and busts all the tires.

And the blonde keeps laughing.

He takes a sledge hammer from his truck, and pounds in the frame, rips out the steering wheel, cuts the brake lines, etc, until the car is completely totaled.

And the blonde is still laughing.

The truck driver walks over to the blonde, and says, "Lady, I just completely totaled your car, and you're still laughing. What is so funny?"

The blonde replies, giggling, "I stepped out the circle and you didn't see me!"

Stingy Lawyer

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Cruise Ship

The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below.

The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank.

There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief.

As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."

Diet Tips

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.

"Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

Advertising Terms

This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean...

• New: Different colour from previous design.
• All New: Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
• Exclusive: Imported product.
• Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
• Foolproof Operation: No provision for adjustments.
• Advanced Design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
• It's Here at Last: Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
• Field Tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
• High Accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
• Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
• Redesigned: Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
• Direct Sales Only: Factory had a big argument with distributor.
• Years of Development: We finally got one to work.
• Breakthrough: We finally figured out a use for it.
• Maintenance Free: Impossible to fix.
• Meets All Standards: Ours, not yours.
• Solid State: Heavy as hell.
• Less Fattening: Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.
• High Reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
• Non Refundable: We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.
• Fat Free: You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

Opinion Needed

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City.

He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.

He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"

Top 45 Oxymorons

1. Act naturally
2. Found missing
3. Resident alien
4. Advanced BASIC
5. Genuine imitation
6. Airline Food
7. Good grief
8. Same difference
9. Almost exactly
10. Government organization
11. Sanitary landfill
12. Alone together
13. Legally drunk
14. Silent scream
15. Living dead
16. Small crowd
17. Business ethics
18. Soft rock
19. Butt Head
20. Military Intelligence
21. Software documentation
22. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
24. Childproof
25. "Now, then..."
26. Synthetic natural gas
27. Passive aggression
28. Taped live
29. Clearly misunderstood
30. Peace force
31. Extinct Life
32. Temporary tax increase
33. Computer jock
34. Plastic glasses
35. Terribly pleased
36. Computer security
37. Political science
38. Tight slacks Definite maybe
39. Pretty ugly
40. Twelve-ounce pound cake
41. Diet ice cream
42. Working vacation
43. Exact estimate
44. Microsoft Works

Buying Paint

Buying Paint From A Hardware Store:

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

Buying Paint From An Airline:

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.

Chinese Laundry

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"

"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Well, where's the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olafsen?"

The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Hans Olafsen. She look at me. What your name? I say Sam Ting."

Bad Ideas

• Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
• If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Dog License

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. I always do the driving."

Keeping It Warm

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Shepherds

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is mad at me."

The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

We Were So Poor That We Could Only Afford...

Medicines called placebos

Five of the Ten Commandments

Bagel holes

Sunrise Or Sunset

Webster's Extremely Abridged Dictionary

White Crayolas

Ivory soap soup mix

Blue suede shoe boxes

Lipton Tea Bag strings

Newspaper Mistakes

The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

Monday:

For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

Tuesday:

Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

Wednesday:

Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

Thursday:

Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

In Jerusalem

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the Australian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Australia for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to Australia for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00."

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Butchering

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.

The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts.

At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them... "Moosellaneous."

How To Please Your I.T. Deptartment

A quick check list for those who need to make contact with the I.T. Department:

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a no dial tone message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Three Stores

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent.

The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to let the shop on the left.

The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?"

The guy says, "A menswear shop."

The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign.

"Menswear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Menswear" on his sign.

The owner tells him that the left hand shop will be the same.

"No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to let the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign.

The guy replies: "Entrance."

Kentucky Horse

A jogger, running down a country road in West Virginia, is startled as a horse yells to him, "Hey! Come over here. Buddy!"

The jogger is stunned, and runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Upon hearing that this beast can actually speak, dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch.

The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

The farmer says, "Son, I know what you are thinking, but you can't believe everything you hear...

that horse has never even been to Kentucky!"

The Health Club

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

This Is Heaven

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said... "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too?"

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."

The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

• No taxes.
• No debt.
• Plenty buffalo
• Plenty beaver
• Women did the work
• Medicine man free
• Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Who's Driving

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double decker bus for a weekend tournament to a nearby city.

The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

For Sale

A real estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help.

Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "Horse For Sale."

Don't Let The Sun...

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night wondering where the sun went?

It finally dawned on her.

Deep Sea Fishing

Bernie had never been on a deep sea fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful?

With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"Oh noooo!!" Bernie wailed... "You've just taken away my last hope for relief!"