Polar Bear Jokes

Q: What did the polar bear cub say to its mother at mealtime?

A: "Aw, no! Not seals again!"

Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?

A: A seal in each paw!

Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?

A: "Oooo! I love these things! Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside!"

Q: Why shouldn't you take polar bears to the zoo?

A: Because they'd rather go to the movies.

Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?

A: The dentist.

Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?

A: "Sandwiches!"

Q: Why do polar bears have fur coats?

A: Because the seals laughed at them when they wore parkas!

Q: What's another reason polar bears have fur coats?

A: Because they would freeze in Hawaiian shirts!

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?

A: A polar bear.

Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?

A: Drizzly bears.

Q: What has four legs and a flipper?

A: A happy polar bear!

Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?

A: It just presses the "paws" button.

Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?

A: Insist that it pay cash!

Q: What did the polar bear put on the sign when seals were very scarce?

A: "Tourists Welcome!"

Q: What's white, furry, rides a walrus, and knocks a ball around the ice?

A: A polo bear!

Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?

A: A poker bear!

Q: What's white, furry, likes to dance, and wears short leather pants?

A: A polka bear!

Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?

A: Roller bears!

Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?

A: A bitemare!

Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?

A: A "brrr"-"grrr"!

Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?

A: "I think I'd like a salad!"

Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?

A: "Meals on Wheels!"

Q: What do you call a big mean polar bear?

A: Don't call it anything - just run!

Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?


A: Call it anything you want - it can't hear you.

Q: Why are polar bears big and furry?

A: Because if they were small and smooth, they'd be aspirins.

Q: Why do polar bears win so many races?

A: Because they're always in the "pole" position.

Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?

A: When it's in a "grizzly" mood.

Q: Why would polar bears be cheap to keep as pets?

A: They live on ice!

Q: What's the difference between a polar bear and a mailbox?

A: You don't know? Well, I'm not asking you to mail my letters!

Q: Have you ever seen a man eating polar bear?

A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?

A: I'm not sure - but I wouldn't try smelling it!

Q: What's white, furry, and throws balls of ice at igloos?

A: A bowler bear!

Q: What's white, furry, wears sunglasses, and lazes in the sun all summer long?

A: A solar bear!

Q: Polar bear cubs are born wet, naked, and in an icy cave. Then what happens?

A: Things get worse!

Q: Where do you find polar bears?

A: It depends on where you lost them.

Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?

A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?

A: It's easy - just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.

Q: How do you put a walrus into a refrigerator?

A: Just open the door, tell the polar bear to get out, stuff the walrus in, and close the door.

Q: There is a big animal meeting in the Arctic. All the animals are supposed to be there but one animal isn't. Which one is missing?

A: The walrus - it's still locked in the refrigerator.

Q: You have to paddle your kayak across water where dangerous polar bears swim. How will you do this without becoming polar bear lunch?

A: Just paddle across. All the polar bears are at the big animal meeting. Don't you remember?

Telling The Truth

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual

table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Coffee Break

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Thanksgiving Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Turkey did?"

Race With A Harley

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to pass the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "Maximum Speed 35 MPH."

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him was one thing, passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Schwinn bicycles as well. They really make a great bicycle.

When it Rains It Pours

A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only six."

Fishing

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

An Eloquent Truth

A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt about a tragedy.

He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."

The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"

The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."

Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

What Do Women Really Want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Isn’t that beautiful?

But really now, what is the moral of this story?

If you don’t respect women, things are gonna get ugly!

Hail Storm

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic jokingly told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

So, she took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

I'm Being Poisoned

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi offers, "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can learn and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

Parking Tickets

I went to the store the other day and was only there for about five minutes. When I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I said something to him that seriously questioned his intelligence.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

This went on for about twenty minutes, but I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

The restaurant where I took my two kids for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television...

A harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey!" commented my youngest, "It sounds like someone just got their food!"

Special Pig

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"

"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drowned. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

Witness

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes Sir", answered the boy

"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"

"My father, sir," said the boy.

"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.

"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

Halloween Q And A List

Q. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

A. Ghoul-aid!

Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?

A. Wrap!

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q. What's a monster's favorite bean?

A. A human bean.

Q. Why can't the boy ghost have babies?

A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A. A sand-witch.

Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?

A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?

A. You suck.

Q. What do ghosts say when something is really neat?

A. Ghoul

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar?

A. For the Boos.

Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?

A. He was all bite and no bark.

Q. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

A. He didn't have a haunting license.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?

A. He had no body to dance with.

Q. Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?

A. At the casketeria.

Q. What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

A. He is mist.

Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?

A. Over the ghoul line.

Q. Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.

A. Because of the coffin.

Q. Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

A. Because he is always a goblin.

Q. What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?

A. A toasty ghosty.

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?

A. He heard it had great circulation.

Q. What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?

A. Whipped scream.

Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?

A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Q. What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets?

A. Dead ends

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday?

A. Fangsgiving

Q. What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

A. Mas-scare-a.

Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road?

A. To go to the body shop.

Q. What happens when two vampires meet?

A. It was love at first bite!

Q. Who was the most famous ghost detective?

A. Sherlock Moans.

Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married?

A. Newlywebbed

Q. Who was the most famous witch detective?

A. Warlock Holmes

Q. What did the ghost say to the man at the coffee shop?

A. Scream or sugar!

Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective?

A. Sherlock Bones.

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A. Napoleon bone-apart

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York?

A. The Vampire State Building.

Q. Where do most werewolves live?

A. In howllywood, California

Q. Where do most goblins live?

A. in North and South Scarolina.

Q. Where does a ghost refuel his porche?

A. At a ghastly station.

Q. What do Italian's eat on Halloween?

A. Fettucinni Afraid-o.

Q. Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?

A. to see the boogy man.

Q. What do witches use in their hair?

A. scare-spray

Q. What do you call a little monsters parents?

A. mummy and deady

Q. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?

A. sour-puss

Q. How do you scare a mummy?

A. with a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy.

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?

A. blood-thirsty hacker baby

Q. What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a skwaush?

A. a squashed pumpkin pie.

Q. Why do ghosts shiver and moan?

A. It's drafty under that sheet.

Q. What instrument do skeletons play?

A: Trom-bone.

Q. What do ghosts eat for breakfast?

A. Boo-Berries.

Q: Why did't the skeleton cross the road?

A: He had no guts.

Q. Why do vampires scare people?

A. They are bored to death!

Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?

A. Every night he turns into a bat.

Q. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

A. It's a pain in the neck.

Q. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?

A. All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q. What songs does Dracula hate?

A. "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders."

Q. What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done?

A. Ok, that's a wrap.

Q. How does a girl vampire flirt?

A. She bats her eyes.

Q. What is a vampires least favorite food?

A. Steak

Q. What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?

A. A grave problem.

Q. Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?

A. He has a bat temper.

Q. Why did Dracula go to the dentist?

A. He had a fang-ache.

Q. Why are vampires like false teeth?

A. They all come out at night.

Q. Who does Dracula get letters from?

A. His fang club.

Q. What kind of key does a skeleton use?

A. A skeleton key.

Q. What kind of gum do ghosts chew?

A. Boo Boo Gum.

Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

A. To stop his coffin.

Q. Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?

A. Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.

Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?

A. Give him screws.

Q. What can't you give the headless horseman?

A. A headache.

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business?

A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What is a ghosts favorite sale?

A. A white sale.

Q. What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?

A. A boo-tie.

Q. What's a ghosts favorite desert?

A. Boo-berry pie.

Q. What type of dog does every vampire have?

A. Bloodhound!

Q. What's a monsters favorite desert?

A. I-Scream!!

Q. When does a ghost have breakfast?

A. In the moaning.

Q. What do ghosts drink at breakfast?

A. Coffee with scream and sugar.

Q. Where does a ghost go on vacation?

A. Mali-boo.

Q. Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?

A. Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q. Where did the ghost get it's hair done?

A: At the boo-ty shop.

Q. What do they teach in witching school?

A. Spelling.

Q. Why does a witch ride a broom?

A. Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

Q. What do you call a witch's garage?

A. A broom closet.

Q. What do you call two witches living together?

A. Broommates.

Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?

A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q. What is a witch's favorite subject in school?

A. Spelling

Q. Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street?

A. He was dying to get to the other side!!

Q. Where do ghosts go out?

A. Where they can get boooooo-ze.

Q. Where do ghosts go out?

A. Where they can get sheet-faced.

Q. What did the mother ghost say to her kids in the car?

A. Fasten your sheet belts.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie?

A. He didn't have the guts.

Q. What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad?

A. Ground him.

Q. Why was the mummy so tense?

A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash?

A. Because he had bat breath.

Q. Why don't ghost have bands?

A. They get booooooooooed.

Q. What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes?

A. A cereal killer.

Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins?

A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.

Q. What did the bird say on Halloween?

A. Trick or tweet!

Q. Why do skeletons drink milk?

A. To help their bones!

Q. What's a Vampire's least favourate song?

A. Another one bites the dust!

Q. What is a Skeleton's favorite song.

A. Bad to the Bone

Q. Whats a ghost's favorate type of car?

A. A boo-ick

Q. Where do ghost go for fun?

A. To the boo-vies

Q. What's a skeletons favorite part of the house?

A. the living room

Q. What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Haloween?

A. Can I have the keys to the broom tonight.

Q. What do u get when theres a witch in the desert?

A. You get a sandwich.

W. Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?

A. It raises their spirits.