First Day

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.

Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off!"

The little boy then asked, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them scalawags cuts my hand off. Their doc couldn't find a hand, so they puts this hook on," answered the pirate.

Next, the little girl asked, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well," says the pirate, "I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in my eye!"

The children, thoroughly confused, exclaim "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate replies, "Well, it was my first day with the hook."

Late Night Skinny Dipping

This fellow has owned a home on a large oceanfront property in Maui for several years. He built a nice beach set up with picnic tables, horse shoe courts and a beach volleyball court. The beach was perfect for swimming. One evening on his way down to his beach, as he neared the water, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he got closer, by the full moon light, he saw group of young women skinny dipping. He whistled to make the women aware of his presence and they all went out to deeper water. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "That's OK, I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny dipping, I just came to feed my sharks!"

Professional Courtesy

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?

He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins, great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.

To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

Safe To Swim Here?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."