Motorcycle Accident

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

 

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

 

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,

 

Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

 

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

 

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now.

 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, fluttering the most gorgeous eyelashes I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

Road Accident

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!"

Golf Cart Accident

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy. 

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack , and I am Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." 

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. 

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." 

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. 

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." 

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" 

"Under the cart" I said.

Accident Proof

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Charity

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling. Moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.

After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"

Ran Over A Lawyer

A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all the way through the park..."

Step Back, I Know First-Aid

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside.

"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder.

"Pardon me, Sir." she said. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

First Aid Course

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"